What the Fuss!

Finally, after all these years of Black people building America with little gratification or acknowlegment, WE finally get an airport partly named after one of the most prolific Black figures in our country's history. Effective October 1, 2005 the Baltimore Washington International Airport will be renamed the Baltimore Washington Marshall International Airport.

I think it's some shit that it's not called the Thurgood Marshall International Airport. Doesn't it sound much better??? The new name change, although significant, has an underbelly that I'm not too fond of. Why not just give Thurgood his props? Well I hate to generalise, but it's b/c of white people. Not the the whole ethnic group, but those in control. Many in the business community expressed concern about how the airport would be marketed with a new name. As a compromise, Marshall's name will follow Baltimore-Washington International. What the fuss!!! How would the name change adversely affect the airport??? People have to fly anyway and I don't think people would really care less what the airport is called as long as the plane get this here safely. The name change in my opinion could only effect the airport in a positive way. Thurgood Marshall, one of the most influential legal minds ever, masterminded the efforts to get the educational system changed in America. His influence can be seen in every po dunk down in America. Did they forget about Brown? He made it possible to for my people to have a better education which in turn gave us a better life. Let us not forget, this time was not so long ago either. My aunts grew up in the racially segregated school systems of Baltimore where segregation in education was manditory. LET'S NOT FORGET!!!! How can a person who has done do much for his country adversely effect the marketing? I am not a marketing savant by any means, but damn, I could come up with something positive and marketable. Folk are just tripping.

Another adversary of the plan was former Baltimore maryor, Maryland governor, & current state comptroller William Donald Schaefer, who thinks there should be a directory of people living with AIDS. That just goes to show you where is mind it. If we have a publishing of people who had AIDS there would be so much discrimination. We live in a society where people are too ignorant to treat people with AIDS as people. That's another blog altogether though. Mr. Schaefer suggested the airport be named after Thomas J. D'Alesandro Jr., the former Baltimore mayor who had a role in getting the airport built, as Marshall was not a fan of his home state and Marshall had nothing to do with construction of the airport. BULL SHIT!!!!! Well it may be the truth, Marshall wasn't that fond of his state b/c of the plights he faced as a young black man growing up in the segregated south. For all intents and purposes, Maryland is a southern state. Hell, if I faced what he did, I would not be the biggest fan either. It's only human!

Either way, I'm happy with the change for the most part. If anyone is ever at the BWMI(Baltimore Washington Marshall International) don't hesistate the to give me a ring.

It dosen't matter

No matter what you do, how rich/poor, ugly/beautiful/, ect. people are always going to have something to say. As the saying goes, you can please some of the people some of the time, but you can't please all of the people all fo the time. I've decided to just say fuck everyone and do ME!! Do the best me that I can be and times when I feel that doing me isn't sufficient, keep on doing me! I'm going to start pleasing myself. I've come to the realisation that feelings of inadequacy are always going to creep up on you, especially if you let people infiltrate your mind with negativity.

I'm in the stages of weaving a quilt of positivity, true friendship, love, hope, and all that other good shit so that on the days when it feels like everything is growing cold, I can wrap myself around myself, and find warmth from within.

On those bad days this blanket will cover me allowing myself to love myself no matter the circumstances. When my self-confidence, self-worth, & happiness abates, this blanket will be a bulwark, sheltering me from my worse enemy, myself.

Only I can make myself feel the way I do. Only I can control my emotions. Only I determine how successful I am going to be.

It doesn't matter what everyone else thinks or says. When all is said and done, the buck stops with ME. Only I am responsibile for me.

Forget the haters, those who don't believe in my capabilities and crush my dreams to make them feel better about themselves. They don't matter. THEY DON'T MATTER!!!

Agape

I was surprised to say the least when I got that voicemail from you the other day
It said you were well and all you wanted to do was to say hey
Suspicion began to give way as our last conversation did go the way I had visioned
Half-heartledly heartbroken,
Lost in the sauce
Missing you from the moment you said 'click'
Not knowing why, but too strong to cry.

You were the first!
You took my mental virginity and i hated to love you for it
You showed me what it was like fly without looking.
You are my Sankofa, and for this i hated to love you.
You were my first love, my lover, my LOVER,
God I loved you, AGAPE loved you!

As time progressed
I loved you less ( I thought)
I had to move as much as my heart would let
Always in the back of my mind willing your spirit back to me.
"I wonder what he's doing?, Is he thinking of me?"


With that one call, you said it all.
You missed me and that you were sorry.
Love's ESP brought you back to me

Now I don't want you to close that door again for no reason
Don't take my heart and with it and create treason
I thought you were the one that got away
But if I prepare a place for you
Would you stay?

Randomness

First of all, please excuse me from posting that pic of pastey-azz Jude Law. It was in bad taste. Now if it would have been Taye Diggs, well let's just say I would be so busy enjoying myself that there would not be any breath left for apologies or any need. Lately I have been feeling rather uninspired. There is nothing really going on in my life but work. And old flame called me the other day out of the blue. I've been thinkin about this person a lot lately. My gut is telling me that our conversation is going to be tragic conversation. I'm sure it's nothing that I can't handle.

I am a BEAST at my job!!! For the upteenth month in a row I am #1. Been here the shortest amout of time, but doing the job the best!!! Yeah me. This is why I am chosen, b/c I am ordained not to fail, and even my 'so-called' failures are much needed learning lessons on this journey called life. I literally do my job with my eyes closed and half sleep. Just imagine what I could be capable of if I actually tried. Pretty scary huh?

A friend of mine from college called me to say he's getting married. I always figured he would marry the person he's marrying. She seems the marrying kind and they've know each other practically forever. I'm very happy for him. It'll at least give me an excuse to go to Philly next year. I just hope my 'soul mate' turns up before I'm too old and haggard. I'm sure the person who was meant for me will show up eventually. No worries though! Just enjoying some me time.

This morning at around 3 am I woke up with the worst tooth ache i've ever experienced. I ate a lot of those after dinner mints yesterday, so maybe that had something to do with it. I took a Tylenol and smoke a baby-b, after the effects of the b wore off I was up again in pain. I haven't gone to sleep since then and I have to work until 10 pm tonight. Already feeling sluggish...

Hopefully i'll have something more worthwhile to blog about. My life has been quite uneventful lately and I kind of like it that way. I'm sure this won't last for too long. There is always something/someone waiting in the wings for a change to rock the boat.

Thinking a lot about school and life and what makes me happy.

Looking foward to visiting my best friend in Minneapolis next month. Haven't seen him in about 18 months at the very least. He's crazy!

Pray that we all fufill our destinies, whatever they may be.

Be easy.

Get on the bus

Today I was looking at various blogs and I came across this survery. I was amazed to see how answering 6 questions could tell my personality type. This is a lil bit like astrology. How can the positioning of the cosmos decided your personality type? Getting back to the subject of the post. This post was inspired my RAGE. Most of the time I am a fairly subdued and chill person. Those who have talked to me, I hope that I cam across that way. Some shit does get on my nerves though and it makes me just want to kill a man! Until i get the balls to actually do this, I have a suggestion.



You are an assassin.
That means you are a proffessional and do your
job without mixing any emotions in it. In your
life you have probably been hurt many times and
have gotten some mental scars. This results in
you being distant from people. Though many
think that you are evil, you are not. What you
really are is a person, trying to forget your
pain and past. You are the person who never
seems to care and that is why being an assassin
fits you good. Atleast, that's what people
think. Even if you don't care that much for
your victims, you still have the ability to
care and to generally feel. It is not lost,
just a little forgotten. In crowds you tend to <---This is me!!! not get to noticed, and dress in black or other discrete colours. You don't being in the spotlight and wish people would just leave you alone. But once you do get close to someone you have a hard time letting go and get real down if you lose him/her. Main weapon: Sniper
Quote: "The walls we build around
us to keep out the sadness also keep out the
joy" -Jim Rohn
Facial expression: Narrowed eyes

I work of Unemployment and I talk to people all day long about umemployment issues. Some people are really sincere and don't want to be out of work. Then there are others who just want to milk the system for all that its worth. Who know the system and the loop holes to get what they want. People people who don't want to work and be productive members of society should be put on the bus, the euthansia bus. I propose that all forms of degenerates who have nothing to contribute to soceity should be put on the bus!

Today I was on the phone with a blk brotha. Hiz lazy azz been out of work since 8/04 and has not attempted to look for work since them. He told me that he was home babysitting his daughter. I mean that's very admirable. Putting what resembles a career on hold for the needs of ur childern. Mothers are socially expected to do this, which is BS in my opinion b/c it takes two to tango and both should share the responsibility. This world is far from a utopia, so i'll digress. I was ready to commend his ass until he told me that his daughter was not born until last month, 7/05!!! What the feck!!!!! What the hell was he doing for the other 11 months?? People who refuse to work or look for jobs should be put on the bus? How can you call yourself a man when you have a child on the way, and you make no attempt to find a job!!!! I mean damn! Wal-Mart is always hirging. His azz actually waited until a time where he would be eligible to file. He would rather sit on his azz and wait to collect unemployment. I can not fathom looking earnestly for a job for a year and still not finding ANYTHING!!!! I mean, i know times are hard, but not that hard. Will all the REAL brotha's please stand up?

You know who else needs to take a ride on the bus??? People who hate all the damn time. When they see you doing something positive with your life try to bring you down and make your accomplishments seem insiginificant because they feel the inadequacy in their lives and want folk to join them. For those people, get a life, stop drinking haterade, and while you're at it and get on the damn bus!!!! Your days are numbered.

People who think life everything in life is supposed to come easy and when the going gets tough, they bow out and say FUCK IT! That shit gets on my nerves. They make excuses for everything that's wrong with their life and point at everyone but themselves for their misgivings. Nothing is life that is worth having is going to be easy. Everyone who is 'sucessful' has had to sacrifice to make their dreams come true. I have a really good friend who is a prime exampes of this!! I love that kid to death, but if were were playing baseball, he would be the last to be picked b/c he's always dropping the ball. I think b/c I love him so much I expect a lot from. He has some very endearing qualities, but finishing what he started isn't one of them. This is prevalent in the black community. I mean i know a lot of brothas and sistas who start school, but they never finish. How the hell do you drop out of HS during ur senior year? I can not tell you how many times I've come across folk who have dropped out during their senior year. You are almost done and practically guaranteed to make a more stable life for urself. Why not just finish? Whatever happened to self-motivation? That shit pisses me off. If you want to piss your life away, you need to get on the bus!! You only get one life, make the best of it!

Others who could stand to to take a ride on the bus for various reason:

W: he's ruined the free world. His administration seems to pick and choose which countries they want want to 'liberate'. What about Mugabe's decompositon of Zimbabwe? Why didn't he choose to liberate those people? Mugabe is committing economic sucicide! What anout Kim Jong Il? He'a a dictator who surpesses his peoples' liberities. North Korea is developing nuclear weapons and is very outspoken about the program. The world is not a "good ole boys" club. Not a place to reward the corrupt and kick the down trodden. For this W and his merry band of good should be put on the bus! (For some reason my pic of W would not upload. I guess the system could smell his BS too)

War on Drugs: The refuse to legalize marijuana and prosecute those who use it for medicinal purposes in part because they can not make money off of it. I mean, we are grown folks and as long as we're not hurting anyone there is nthing wrong with it. If alcohol is legalized, why isn't marijauna? Alcohol is a much more lethal and harmful drug, but because it's socially acceptable, it's legalized. If it were to me made legal, our prisions would be not be as crowded and you wouild have less serial criminals in the country. Most times, people come out of jail better criminals and more hardened than went they went it. Think about it people, federal government. The War or Drugs that was started by the President Nixon in 1972. Here it is 2005 and the drug problem has not gotten any better. In some respects it's gotten worse. Instead of treating it as a criminal problem, do like some of the civilized countries and treat drug addiction as a medical issue and decrimilized certain drugs in small amounts. If ideas could be euthanized, this would be one of them. How many of y'all have never puffed?

I'm too tired to think of others right now. Before i wrote the blog I had more people who disgust me that I deemed bus worthy. I'll give it the weekend and add 'em on.

Be easy

And now for a bit of visual stimulation

Mr. Jude Law naked.... well people's if still a softee...Now I see why all the ladies are after him.

THE HOOD AT ITS BEST

A pimpin azz golf cart

These bike's system looks better than my car...DAMN!!!!















Only in the hood would you find a man having his funeral in his car...Don't you just LOVE our people?
















Why didn't someone smack the hell out of whoever's car this is when they said it would be a good idea to get the Gucci pattern plastered on their car. Can they sue of copyright infringment?










Now that's a damn shame. This is the sorriest excuse for a pool ever...poor soul!!!!
















On Valentine's day...When you care enough to smack that bitch up when she doesn't have ur money
















Is this a car of a truck? Either way, it's a bit much.

Everything that glitters...

When I first started to explore the b-more g-life when I was around 20 or so, I met this guy who was beautiful from afar. Whever I would go, he would be there, talking, having a good time. He was one of those people that seemed to attract people to him. He was always the life of the crowd cutting up and such and in my opinion he was the finest. In my mind it got no better. Whenever I saw him out I would secretly lust after him. My issues with rejection kept me from talking to him. I would always think what would I say to him? Blah blah blah. One night I met someone at the club from online but he was not who he said he was. The dude I met said he was a lil chubby and ended up being about the size of Reuben S., a far cry from chubby! I wasn't too upset though as I had no expectation to begin with. No expectations, no dissapointments!

There was in the corner of the bar, Mr. Wonderful, sitting in the corner stool of the bar, surprisingly subdued. Our eyes connected and it was on! Something strange happened, I went up to him and we started talking. It was as if all of my anxiety vanished and I could talk and not worry about what I was talking about or any of the other things that prohibited me from approaching people before. It was a moment of clarity and I was able to give him Chosen Brotha, not a shell of myself. We started to talk and next thing I know, we were back at his place bumping uglies. That was so not the norm for me, but his azz had me mesmerized. As I was trying to come to terms with the fact that my Golden Boy, was sitting butt azz naked in front of me with that lusty look in his eyes. The man's body was a picture of perfection. Soft smooth caramel skin stretched over a toned muscular physique. And trust, the boy was PACKIN!!!! All that I can say is mmm mmm good!! Not to mention the boy has those DSL (dik suckin lips) and he was killing me with them! I wasn't sure if it was the whole fantasy coming true that made it so good or was he really that good? Either way, I succcame (is this a word?) to sexual temptation.

As time progressed, Golden Boy started to tarnish. We were hanging out and having a good time but I started to notice self tendicies. To me it seemed that all I was good for was my car as everytime we would go out (to places he wanted to go to usually mind you) he would go about do his thing being the gay b-more socialite that he is and I was left to my own devices. I wasn't on the needy tip, but damn, i drive you around and we came in together, at leasat acknowlege me. Is that too much to ask? These feelings persisted and I brought it up to him. Why the hell did he act like he didn't know what I was talking about. His azz only talked to me when he was ready to go and I wasn't going for that. What does he think this is, Driving Miss Daisy? I would not have minded it so much had we gone to places where I wanted to go.

Well he "lost his phone" and we lost contact. As I don't go to a lot of gay related things I didn't have the opportunity to see him as much. When I did go out he was never where I was.

Fastfoward 2 evening ago. I'm getting out the car about to get me a dime to wind down after a most unfortunate day when I see no one other than my Golden Boy. I called him and he came over smiling his big wide beautiful smile and gave me a big hug. Y'all he felt so good. It was one of those damn you look good it's very nice to see you hugs. I was captured once again. We decided to go out last night and apparently we're going out this weekend to DC. He left me lingering on to my hand.

When I got to his place I had it set in stone that I would not be performing any sexual acrobatics. Sans the details, we ended up messing around again and he looked as beautiful as ever. We had dinner and wanted me to take him to Sportsman just to 'stick his head in to support his friends in the drag show'. Oh yeah, he's a P/T drag queen. Something that i'm not really to thrilled about. I reluctantly obliged and spent 90 min there. I told him I was leaving and when he didn't come, i left his azz. I later came back to give him his pizza and as usual he asked me for a ride home. We left each other hugging.

Although Golden Boy is a nice guy, the selfish unassuming drag queen act is getting a bit old. I'm going to try my best not to do anything sexual with him anymore, but sometimes the flesh is weak! I'll do my best to abstain.

Mr. Wonderful, my golden boy, was nothing but an illusion. I saw right though his haze of sexual appeal. He's nothing but a scared a lil insucure boy who hides behind his humor so that know one sees how he's really hurting. I can never take his seriously b/c he's always 'on' , always joking, never just in chill mode. I'm perpetually stuck in chill mode. I do care about him though, so i'm going to be there. Just goes to show you, people who you think have to together are a complete mess. No one is ever really together. Those who you think are, are just good at appearing to have it together. The better you get to know people like this, the more you see cracks in what you thought was flawless.

Stronger

Chosen Commentary

For y'all who don't know, I've made a conscious effort to stop using profanities or greatly decrease it because it was getting out of hand and would say things at inappropiate places and not realize what I was did until after I did it. Today I'm going to revert back to my old ways b/c some unreal shit happened this weekend and my true feeling can only be communicated through the use of profanities. So much to comment on, so lil time.

Just another comfirmation as to why I need my own place. This morning I decided to pop one off before I went to work b/c lately it never fails, around 10 am, I get this hormone surge and if I had the gual to pleasure myself in a public place then I would. Since I don't have it, I don't do it and decided to nip it in the bud this morning by knocking one off. I heard my mother's door open and walk down the hallway. My room is right next to the bathroom so I thought that she would go into the bathroom. NOPE!! She came in my room just as I had finished and was about to dispose of the evidence. I'm not sure what she saw, but she defintely knew what was going on. I've had my banana boat docked at masterbation station since i've been 13 years old and NEVER, i repeat NEVER has she knowingly caught me in the act. There have been close calls, but never been caught. I felt so embarrassed. One good thing came of it though (pardon the pun), I am not horny this morning. I have peace underneath!!!!

Y'all know all about my rows with my mother but we are really good friends and it worst comes to worst, we have each others back NO DOUBT!! Saturday evening, I got a call around 1 am from my mother sounding really frantic and hurt. She told me that she heard some devistating news and she didn't know how to take it. She sounded as if she was on the verge of tears. I felt my heart beating faster. What was it? Did someone die? Did something devasating happen to someone? Was someone in a horrible accident? She told me she didn't want to tell me as she was still processing it. What kind of shit is that? How you going to call me sounding like that and then not tell me what the hell is going on? I was so irriatated/worried that i turned off my phone. This morning after I was caught in the act, she tells me taht her ex-boyfriend who is a nut and a blog by himself, took her to a gay club to meet up with some of his 'faggy friends' as she put it. She had me worried and all about that? Women sometime don't think, men for that matter too. You can have all the evidence in front of their face and still not see it. Last summer, my mother found gay news papers in this bag and asked him why they were in there. He told her that "he had gay friends and wanted to see what was going on in the gay community" or some bull shit like that. C'mon now? I mess with dudes and I still dont' want to know what's goin on the the community like that. Another time, she told me that he wanted to invite his gay friends to their wedding. She wasn't having it. I wonder with all this evidence, why is she 'devisatated' that he took her to a place like that. I would have saw that shit coming. I guess we see and believe what we want to. Her ex, David, has talked to me about knowing the owner of the Club Bunns, which my mother calls Ms. Bunns, I think her take on the name is truer and funnier than the original! I think God may be tryin to teach her the lesson of tolerance. I don't see why she got as worked up as she did about it. She acted as if the world was coming to an end.

Friday evening I went out drinking with friends one of my friends gave me the most complimenting complimenting I have ever had and she didn't even know what I was going through or how I was feeling so it make it all the better. She didn't say it just to say it and make me feel better, she said it because she meant it. She said to me after 4 double shots of Grand Marnier, "Chosen, you are a beautful person. I mean, there is something about you that makes you so special. You are one of the most generous, sweetest people I know. There is also this sex appeal about you. You are black and beautiful and hung. Do you think that having sex would interfere in our relationship? Do you think that we could have sex and you keep ur mouth shut? Blah Blah more compliment." That's about the gist of it though. She told me she has secretly wanted to fuck me too. So does the girl who does my hair. I over heard them talking about how much they think they would enjoy fucking me. This is only b/c they heard about my reputation as a fabolous fuck! Y'all don't get the wrong idea. I'm not a hoe or anything like that, but I did have sex with one of their close friends and they have seen a pic of my penis. Both those girls are crazy. I love 'em to death.

You guys have been so right about the club. I think subsciously I was going in hopes of meeting someone, then leaving disappointed when I don't. I think when i go, i'm going to make a consious effort to go for me and just go with the flow. Not 'try' to meet anyone. I AM A BEAUTFUL PERSON WITH SO MUCH TO OFFER. Sometimes you ahve to tell urself that just to reassure yourself. There are forces that would make you think otherwise.

I don't know what's wrong with the world today. Yesterday while working the retail gig, a FEMALE moved her bowels in one of the fitting rooms. It wasn't one of those dainty lil shits either. It was one of those slimy stick to ur azz hair and underwear. I said how can a grown azz lady shit in a public place!!! That shit is so triflin!!! I could not fucking believe. A grown azz lady with grown azz shits. I am still in awe of it!! She took a full pledged shit on the floor. I don't even think that I would be comfortable with that. I know her azz was stinkin walking around the mall b/c she had to have oodles of shit stain in her undies judging from the consistentcy of the shit. It was making its way to diaharria (sp?). I was through after that until.....

I saw the FINEST blk man i have seen i na long time. He was an older gentleman but not too old and as soon as I he entered the store, we made eye contact and it was on. I decided that I had to make a move of some sort. He was very muscular, but not too muscular as to where it was overboard. he was YUMMY. He was wearing a tight Ben Sherman shirt that complimented his physique so beatufilly. The store had just gotten in some Red/white/ blue Ben Sherman jackets and I told him that we had a jacket to match the shirt. We went over there and I showed it to him. Ladies and gentlemen, let me tell you, he looked PHYNE as a motha fucka in that. Lawd, if i had a pussy, I would have been moist! He told me that he could not afford that jacket and I told him that he could put it on lay away. We began talking more shooting the shit. I kept asking him questions, where he lived (which is very near me), where he works out (he got that body using a home gym from Wal-Mart), ect. Just shooting the shit. OK world, this is where it gets a lil interesting. I have his telephone number from doing his lay way. I really want to give him a call and try to get up and meet with him. The thing is that i'm not sure if i should as I don't want to really lose by job, but that's really the least of my worries and PT jobs are easily found in a mall and secondly, he may not even be gay. Although everyone in the store thinks he is. I was thinking about calling him to remind him of his lay way and maybe that can ben a seg way (sp?) into what I really want HIM? This brotha seems amazing and has a calmness about him. He's talll dark and handsome. I have his number at home. I dont know waht to do.

Lastly, I saw 4 Brothers last night. The plot wasn't really developed all the well, still had me asking questions once the credits rolled. It was funny as hell and entertaining. Mark Wahlberg did an outstanding job as well as athe rest of the cast. I give it an B-. Worth ur money if you are not looking for something that's too developed, just entertaining.

Be easy

C.S. ~ Jus came across this site that promises you can change homosexuality in ur kids if you catch it early enough. Check it out and tell me what you think.