Where have the cowboys gone?
Sunday started out like any other. Go to work at the retail gig and try to find something to do. After my attempts to try to find something entertaining to do, I came home. Sitting there in my boredom I decided to do something that I don't normally do and go to gay club, by MYSELF. Let me tell y'all I loathe gay clubs most of the time. I never had a good time when I go there and I feel out of place. No one ever talks to me and I jsut end up drinkin by myself in the corner. When I get a lil loose from the liquor, I dance for a lil bit. When the drink starts to wear off I wil get bored and go home. My ex, Panama, has no promblem meeting gay folk. They seem to flock to him. I mean he is attractive, but hey, so am I. We've talked about this before and he's said that I don't look as "open" to being talked to. I can agree with that to some extent. I always have a mug on my face and I don't know why. I am a nice person and I don't bite..well not unless I'm asked to nicely.
Well when I park my car around the corner from the club it's no other than Panama's old friend, Buster, who they became re-acquainted with on Panama and I's first day. Buster is cool, but a lil too gay for my liking but cool nonetheless. Makes a good friend. He's out chilling with his boy smoking a b. We go inside the club and Buster tells me that Panama is on his way. So i give him a call but as soon as he picks up, he's in the club. I love Panama, i really do. I have to be careful with him though b/c I don't want to fall for him again. He's the sweetest guy ever, but's I need a man on my level and he has so much growing to do and so many men to do. I need to let him grown. I love him that much. He's my lil gay brotha for real. In the midst of the alcholol I told him last night how much his friendship means to me. I love him like a brotha y'all and I can't lie about that one, much to the dismay of CA, who is I think is threated by anyone I get involved with as he still harbors feeling for me.
So Panama, Buster, and I are chillin in the club checkin the guys out. There seemed to be a lot of old heads. Some looked nice and others, well....My mama said if you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all. I'll keep it at that! I can not approach a guy to save myself. I don't know what it is. I just lose words. I don't know what to say to anyone. In part, I think i'm afraid of rejection. Also, i don't know what to say. How to strike up a convo. As me and my boys were chillin, i saw this guy size me up. I was like, what the hell is he lookin at. His friend started looking at Panaman and asked Panama to dance. The dude how was sizing me up then grabbed my hand and asked me to dance. I wasn't so sure at first, then I thought, what the hell, it's only a dance. We dance for a while and it was pretty cool, be he got a lil too close for comfort as started rubbing up on my body. I'm glad he was gentleman enough not to put his hands on any of my unmentionables though. We danced some more we went outside to talk. His name is Tony and he works for FEDS. He seems cool enough. He said he was coming back to B-more to visit some friends and suggest that I give him a call. Maybe I will when I get off. He has his own house and a nice Benz, so that sweetens the pot a lil bit. Cheers to hoping he's a bottom. But i'm not going to dik him down quite just yet. I gotta get a feeling for him. Developing....
I secretly think that I am a lil jealous of Panama. He's never has any problem meeting gay men. He knows more gay men in B-more than I do and he just started going out in march and i've been here my whole life. Sometimes I think this 'life style' isn't for me b/c it seems that i never fit it. I havent' found my gay niche. I don't know what's wrong. Panaman is always getting hit on, I mean ALWAYS!! Sometimes I wonder what's wrong with me. Nothing that I can see. I mean I look good and I dress nice. Maybe its Panama's fake bling that attracts all the men. But I guess not all attention is wanted attention. I just with someone would shower some attention on me sometime. Maybe I should start being more assertive and talking to people. I have no idea. All I know is that I wish i knew what to do. I mean I dress very nice and I put my clothes together and most times my hair and my face are together. Maybe people are intimidated to approach me. I mean if you think someone is attractive but they look mean, you are less likely to approach them. My mother told me that the gay life style wasn’t for me and people didn’t approach me b/c she prayed for it. Maybe that’s it! I'm jealous and of a friend at that. I would never manifest my jealously toward him directly b/c that's not right. It's my problem not his. But i'm not spitefully jealous, like I want what he has, I just want a lil bit of attention or conversation.
Where is my John Wayne?
Where is my Prairie Sun?
Where is my happy ending?
Where have all the cowboys gone?
posted by Chosen Brotha @ 8/01/2005
6 comments
6 Comments:
I'm definitely no expert in this area, but I would think that you will find your voice in da life and be able to approach guys that you find appealing. Meanwhile, relax and enjoy the scenery. Work on the expression so it comes across as someone who is chillin' and appealin'. I'm not good a starting a conversation, so I sit and observe. Soon enough, someone thinks I am different from the mainstream and finds that intriguing enough to start the flow. Shem hotep!
I dont see why people have a problem with socializing. I have never approached girls one wanting to fuck. I approach them wanting to be friends (seriously) and then usually, if its right we hook up or do whatever.
It doesnt hurt to try and say hi or introduce yourself to someone. You have a 50/50 chance of being accepted for conversation by that person or being whored. You arent always going to be rejected. rejection is a part of life and once you realize that, then you can hook up with people. Its all about trying. You just cant expect someone to come up to you, because 9/10 they feel the same way you do-scared to approach and you both go home empty handed. Pimps get hoes not because they
are the sexiest people alive but because of their approach.
I also generally think that you get more points when you make the first move. I aint afraid to go up to someone and say whats good. For some reason I smile and say jokingly, can I be your friend, give puppy dog eyes, and when they say whats your name I say Chris, sit down and say TO BE LOVED.
For some reason that always works.
Game recognizes Game.
Chris you are so on point. I think sometimes we feel that we are the only ones going through what we go through. We all have the same incurities about rejection. Maybe that's why no one comes up to me, b/c I look so damn me all the time. I'm really a sweetheart though. I need to start taking some chances and stop being such a PUSSY about things. Be a man about it!!! One question though for u Chris, do you walk up to the girls you find unattractive trying to be their friend?
It depends. One if I am looking for a new friend or Two if I know that she's an intelligent person, has a good personality or is well versed, or has a good sense of humor. Its not all about looks. You can never trust a big butt and a smile.
I am sorry Chris but I think that is bullshit. No one goes out and looks for unattractive people to be their friends. No one! Not to say you don't befriend unattractive people, but that friendship usually happens through circumstance. You meet them through an acquaintance or another friend or they happen do to be in you comfort circle. Like work or neighborhood. I can't honestly think you go out and seek an attractive friend. Now most people are superficial and want attractive friends and you would step to a person in an attempt to be a friend although you know you would like much more. You just settle for the friendship if things don't pop off. Okay that may sound like I was rambling but you get my point.
Honestly Fratman, your wrong and your right. Let me sort of rephrase what I was saying.
I dont approach shy people. I dont approach typical ignorant people. I dont approach quiet people. I appraoch people who look like they are having a good time. I like to talk to people. As I have said before, i have a habit of just joining other peoples conversations. Of course I'm not going out anywhere looking for unattractive people, but if they know how to talk and socialize, then what the hell. I said that I'm not looking for ass, but friendship, the ass part usually comes later. I believe that people balance out their supposed weaknesses (either physical or mental) with other positive attributes.
I have never engaged in a gay relationship, but they seem to be based on physical attributes only (please dont shoot me if i dont know what I'm talking about). You check each other out and from what I have seen its more of an I wanna fuck you first and then sip chai tea later. You have your types, top, bottom, bear, cub, twink, manly, feminine, drag bodybuilder etc and if the opposite person doesnt fit into that category, then you just walk on by. I know it may seem like I'm talking off the side of my head, and I may well be, but I get constantly harassed by gay men who do this. They purr like cats, make cat calls, make rude sexual comments, offer me money and all types of off the wall shit to the point where sometimes I dont even go outside to eat lunch anymore.
Me on the other hand, I look for friendship first and sex later and 5/10 afterwards I'm not looking for sex because we have developed a good friendship and it just sometimes seems wrong to fuck a friend. I did that before and that does not work out so that puts me in a unique dillemna being that my friends wanna fuck me but I dont want to fuck them (female and male).
So it was half bullshit, I'm not gong to straight off the back approach an ugly chick, neither will I off the back approach a sexy chick. I'm drawn into stimulating conversation, auras, attitude, intelligence and personality. But looks dont hurt either.
I know I'm talking too much but I know this girl who to other people is butt ugly, she has bad hair, bad clothes and the whole nine, knew her since 7th grade and coincidentally we are going to the same college in the fall. People always tell ask me why the hell do I talk to her and its because she is the most realistic, straight-forward, intelligent sisters that I know. And I only use the word 'sister' for those intelligent, goal oriented females out there. She makes me love black woman to death. If it wasnt for her, I'd have very narrow views of black women (women another word I dont use all the time). No matter how she looks I know that we will be the best of friends over the next four years of my life and beyond.
male, female, black, white, conservative, moderate, jewish, islamic, tall, short, ugly, sexy, infected, disease free, - I love all people. FREE LOVE
Okay I think need to write a book.
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