The World...As I see it

What the Fuss!

2005-09-01T08:34:00.000-04:00

Finally, after all these years of Black people building America with little gratification or acknowlegment, WE finally get an airport partly named after one of the most prolific Black figures in our country's history. Effective October 1, 2005 the Baltimore Washington International Airport will be renamed the Baltimore Washington Marshall International Airport.

I think it's some shit that it's not called the Thurgood Marshall International Airport. Doesn't it sound much better??? The new name change, although significant, has an underbelly that I'm not too fond of. Why not just give Thurgood his props? Well I hate to generalise, but it's b/c of white people. Not the the whole ethnic group, but those in control. Many in the business community expressed concern about how the airport would be marketed with a new name. As a compromise, Marshall's name will follow Baltimore-Washington International. What the fuss!!! How would the name change adversely affect the airport??? People have to fly anyway and I don't think people would really care less what the airport is called as long as the plane get this here safely. The name change in my opinion could only effect the airport in a positive way. Thurgood Marshall, one of the most influential legal minds ever, masterminded the efforts to get the educational system changed in America. His influence can be seen in every po dunk down in America. Did they forget about Brown? He made it possible to for my people to have a better education which in turn gave us a better life. Let us not forget, this time was not so long ago either. My aunts grew up in the racially segregated school systems of Baltimore where segregation in education was manditory. LET'S NOT FORGET!!!! How can a person who has done do much for his country adversely effect the marketing? I am not a marketing savant by any means, but damn, I could come up with something positive and marketable. Folk are just tripping.

Another adversary of the plan was former Baltimore maryor, Maryland governor, & current state comptroller William Donald Schaefer, who thinks there should be a directory of people living with AIDS. That just goes to show you where is mind it. If we have a publishing of people who had AIDS there would be so much discrimination. We live in a society where people are too ignorant to treat people with AIDS as people. That's another blog altogether though. Mr. Schaefer suggested the airport be named after Thomas J. D'Alesandro Jr., the former Baltimore mayor who had a role in getting the airport built, as Marshall was not a fan of his home state and Marshall had nothing to do with construction of the airport. BULL SHIT!!!!! Well it may be the truth, Marshall wasn't that fond of his state b/c of the plights he faced as a young black man growing up in the segregated south. For all intents and purposes, Maryland is a southern state. Hell, if I faced what he did, I would not be the biggest fan either. It's only human!

Either way, I'm happy with the change for the most part. If anyone is ever at the BWMI(Baltimore Washington Marshall International) don't hesistate the to give me a ring.

It dosen't matter

2005-08-31T13:55:00.000-04:00

No matter what you do, how rich/poor, ugly/beautiful/, ect. people are always going to have something to say. As the saying goes, you can please some of the people some of the time, but you can't please all of the people all fo the time. I've decided to just say fuck everyone and do ME!! Do the best me that I can be and times when I feel that doing me isn't sufficient, keep on doing me! I'm going to start pleasing myself. I've come to the realisation that feelings of inadequacy are always going to creep up on you, especially if you let people infiltrate your mind with negativity.

I'm in the stages of weaving a quilt of positivity, true friendship, love, hope, and all that other good shit so that on the days when it feels like everything is growing cold, I can wrap myself around myself, and find warmth from within.

On those bad days this blanket will cover me allowing myself to love myself no matter the circumstances. When my self-confidence, self-worth, & happiness abates, this blanket will be a bulwark, sheltering me from my worse enemy, myself.

Only I can make myself feel the way I do. Only I can control my emotions. Only I determine how successful I am going to be.

It doesn't matter what everyone else thinks or says. When all is said and done, the buck stops with ME. Only I am responsibile for me.

Forget the haters, those who don't believe in my capabilities and crush my dreams to make them feel better about themselves. They don't matter. THEY DON'T MATTER!!!

Agape

2005-08-29T14:03:00.000-04:00

I was surprised to say the least when I got that voicemail from you the other day
It said you were well and all you wanted to do was to say hey
Suspicion began to give way as our last conversation did go the way I had visioned
Half-heartledly heartbroken,
Lost in the sauce
Missing you from the moment you said 'click'
Not knowing why, but too strong to cry.

You were the first!
You took my mental virginity and i hated to love you for it
You showed me what it was like fly without looking.
You are my Sankofa, and for this i hated to love you.
You were my first love, my lover, my LOVER,
God I loved you, AGAPE loved you!

As time progressed
I loved you less ( I thought)
I had to move as much as my heart would let
Always in the back of my mind willing your spirit back to me.
"I wonder what he's doing?, Is he thinking of me?"

With that one call, you said it all.
You missed me and that you were sorry.
Love's ESP brought you back to me

Now I don't want you to close that door again for no reason
Don't take my heart and with it and create treason
I thought you were the one that got away
But if I prepare a place for you
Would you stay?

Randomness

2005-08-25T10:41:00.000-04:00

First of all, please excuse me from posting that pic of pastey-azz Jude Law. It was in bad taste. Now if it would have been Taye Diggs, well let's just say I would be so busy enjoying myself that there would not be any breath left for apologies or any need. Lately I have been feeling rather uninspired. There is nothing really going on in my life but work. And old flame called me the other day out of the blue. I've been thinkin about this person a lot lately. My gut is telling me that our conversation is going to be tragic conversation. I'm sure it's nothing that I can't handle.

I am a BEAST at my job!!! For the upteenth month in a row I am #1. Been here the shortest amout of time, but doing the job the best!!! Yeah me. This is why I am chosen, b/c I am ordained not to fail, and even my 'so-called' failures are much needed learning lessons on this journey called life. I literally do my job with my eyes closed and half sleep. Just imagine what I could be capable of if I actually tried. Pretty scary huh?

A friend of mine from college called me to say he's getting married. I always figured he would marry the person he's marrying. She seems the marrying kind and they've know each other practically forever. I'm very happy for him. It'll at least give me an excuse to go to Philly next year. I just hope my 'soul mate' turns up before I'm too old and haggard. I'm sure the person who was meant for me will show up eventually. No worries though! Just enjoying some me time.

This morning at around 3 am I woke up with the worst tooth ache i've ever experienced. I ate a lot of those after dinner mints yesterday, so maybe that had something to do with it. I took a Tylenol and smoke a baby-b, after the effects of the b wore off I was up again in pain. I haven't gone to sleep since then and I have to work until 10 pm tonight. Already feeling sluggish...

Hopefully i'll have something more worthwhile to blog about. My life has been quite uneventful lately and I kind of like it that way. I'm sure this won't last for too long. There is always something/someone waiting in the wings for a change to rock the boat.

Thinking a lot about school and life and what makes me happy.

Looking foward to visiting my best friend in Minneapolis next month. Haven't seen him in about 18 months at the very least. He's crazy!

Pray that we all fufill our destinies, whatever they may be.

Be easy.

Get on the bus

2005-08-19T13:57:00.000-04:00

Today I was looking at various blogs and I came across this survery. I was amazed to see how answering 6 questions could tell my personality type. This is a lil bit like astrology. How can the positioning of the cosmos decided your personality type? Getting back to the subject of the post. This post was inspired my RAGE. Most of the time I am a fairly subdued and chill person. Those who have talked to me, I hope that I cam across that way. Some shit does get on my nerves though and it makes me just want to kill a man! Until i get the balls to actually do this, I have a suggestion.

You are an assassin.
That means you are a proffessional and do your
job without mixing any emotions in it. In your
life you have probably been hurt many times and
have gotten some mental scars. This results in
you being distant from people. Though many
think that you are evil, you are not. What you
really are is a person, trying to forget your
pain and past. You are the person who never
seems to care and that is why being an assassin
fits you good. Atleast, that's what people
think. Even if you don't care that much for
your victims, you still have the ability to
care and to generally feel. It is not lost,
just a little forgotten. In crowds you tend to <---This is me!!! not get to noticed, and dress in black or other discrete colours. You don't being in the spotlight and wish people would just leave you alone. But once you do get close to someone you have a hard time letting go and get real down if you lose him/her. Main weapon: Sniper
Quote: "The walls we build around
us to keep out the sadness also keep out the
joy" -Jim Rohn
Facial expression: Narrowed eyes

I work of Unemployment and I talk to people all day long about umemployment issues. Some people are really sincere and don't want to be out of work. Then there are others who just want to milk the system for all that its worth. Who know the system and the loop holes to get what they want. People people who don't want to work and be productive members of society should be put on the bus, the euthansia bus. I propose that all forms of degenerates who have nothing to contribute to soceity should be put on the bus!

Today I was on the phone with a blk brotha. Hiz lazy azz been out of work since 8/04 and has not attempted to look for work since them. He told me that he was home babysitting his daughter. I mean that's very admirable. Putting what resembles a career on hold for the needs of ur childern. Mothers are socially expected to do this, which is BS in my opinion b/c it takes two to tango and both should share the responsibility. This world is far from a utopia, so i'll digress. I was ready to commend his ass until he told me that his daughter was not born until last month, 7/05!!! What the feck!!!!! What the hell was he doing for the other 11 months?? People who refuse to work or look for jobs should be put on the bus? How can you call yourself a man when you have a child on the way, and you make no attempt to find a job!!!! I mean damn! Wal-Mart is always hirging. His azz actually waited until a time where he would be eligible to file. He would rather sit on his azz and wait to collect unemployment. I can not fathom looking earnestly for a job for a year and still not finding ANYTHING!!!! I mean, i know times are hard, but not that hard. Will all the REAL brotha's please stand up?

You know who else needs to take a ride on the bus??? People who hate all the damn time. When they see you doing something positive with your life try to bring you down and make your accomplishments seem insiginificant because they feel the inadequacy in their lives and want folk to join them. For those people, get a life, stop drinking haterade, and while you're at it and get on the damn bus!!!! Your days are numbered.

People who think life everything in life is supposed to come easy and when the going gets tough, they bow out and say FUCK IT! That shit gets on my nerves. They make excuses for everything that's wrong with their life and point at everyone but themselves for their misgivings. Nothing is life that is worth having is going to be easy. Everyone who is 'sucessful' has had to sacrifice to make their dreams come true. I have a really good friend who is a prime exampes of this!! I love that kid to death, but if were were playing baseball, he would be the last to be picked b/c he's always dropping the ball. I think b/c I love him so much I expect a lot from. He has some very endearing qualities, but finishing what he started isn't one of them. This is prevalent in the black community. I mean i know a lot of brothas and sistas who start school, but they never finish. How the hell do you drop out of HS during ur senior year? I can not tell you how many times I've come across folk who have dropped out during their senior year. You are almost done and practically guaranteed to make a more stable life for urself. Why not just finish? Whatever happened to self-motivation? That shit pisses me off. If you want to piss your life away, you need to get on the bus!! You only get one life, make the best of it!

Others who could stand to to take a ride on the bus for various reason:

W: he's ruined the free world. His administration seems to pick and choose which countries they want want to 'liberate'. What about Mugabe's decompositon of Zimbabwe? Why didn't he choose to liberate those people? Mugabe is committing economic sucicide! What anout Kim Jong Il? He'a a dictator who surpesses his peoples' liberities. North Korea is developing nuclear weapons and is very outspoken about the program. The world is not a "good ole boys" club. Not a place to reward the corrupt and kick the down trodden. For this W and his merry band of good should be put on the bus! (For some reason my pic of W would not upload. I guess the system could smell his BS too)

War on Drugs: The refuse to legalize marijuana and prosecute those who use it for medicinal purposes in part because they can not make money off of it. I mean, we are grown folks and as long as we're not hurting anyone there is nthing wrong with it. If alcohol is legalized, why isn't marijauna? Alcohol is a much more lethal and harmful drug, but because it's socially acceptable, it's legalized. If it were to me made legal, our prisions would be not be as crowded and you wouild have less serial criminals in the country. Most times, people come out of jail better criminals and more hardened than went they went it. Think about it people, federal government. The War or Drugs that was started by the President Nixon in 1972. Here it is 2005 and the drug problem has not gotten any better. In some respects it's gotten worse. Instead of treating it as a criminal problem, do like some of the civilized countries and treat drug addiction as a medical issue and decrimilized certain drugs in small amounts. If ideas could be euthanized, this would be one of them. How many of y'all have never puffed?

I'm too tired to think of others right now. Before i wrote the blog I had more people who disgust me that I deemed bus worthy. I'll give it the weekend and add 'em on.

Be easy

And now for a bit of visual stimulation

2005-08-18T14:33:00.000-04:00

Mr. Jude Law naked.... well people's if still a softee...Now I see why all the ladies are after him.

THE HOOD AT ITS BEST

A pimpin azz golf cart

These bike's system looks better than my car...DAMN!!!!

Only in the hood would you find a man having his funeral in his car...Don't you just LOVE our people?

Why didn't someone smack the hell out of whoever's car this is when they said it would be a good idea to get the Gucci pattern plastered on their car. Can they sue of copyright infringment?

Now that's a damn shame. This is the sorriest excuse for a pool ever...poor soul!!!!

On Valentine's day...When you care enough to smack that bitch up when she doesn't have ur money

Is this a car of a truck? Either way, it's a bit much.

Everything that glitters...

2005-08-18T10:39:00.000-04:00

When I first started to explore the b-more g-life when I was around 20 or so, I met this guy who was beautiful from afar. Whever I would go, he would be there, talking, having a good time. He was one of those people that seemed to attract people to him. He was always the life of the crowd cutting up and such and in my opinion he was the finest. In my mind it got no better. Whenever I saw him out I would secretly lust after him. My issues with rejection kept me from talking to him. I would always think what would I say to him? Blah blah blah. One night I met someone at the club from online but he was not who he said he was. The dude I met said he was a lil chubby and ended up being about the size of Reuben S., a far cry from chubby! I wasn't too upset though as I had no expectation to begin with. No expectations, no dissapointments!

There was in the corner of the bar, Mr. Wonderful, sitting in the corner stool of the bar, surprisingly subdued. Our eyes connected and it was on! Something strange happened, I went up to him and we started talking. It was as if all of my anxiety vanished and I could talk and not worry about what I was talking about or any of the other things that prohibited me from approaching people before. It was a moment of clarity and I was able to give him Chosen Brotha, not a shell of myself. We started to talk and next thing I know, we were back at his place bumping uglies. That was so not the norm for me, but his azz had me mesmerized. As I was trying to come to terms with the fact that my Golden Boy, was sitting butt azz naked in front of me with that lusty look in his eyes. The man's body was a picture of perfection. Soft smooth caramel skin stretched over a toned muscular physique. And trust, the boy was PACKIN!!!! All that I can say is mmm mmm good!! Not to mention the boy has those DSL (dik suckin lips) and he was killing me with them! I wasn't sure if it was the whole fantasy coming true that made it so good or was he really that good? Either way, I succcame (is this a word?) to sexual temptation.

As time progressed, Golden Boy started to tarnish. We were hanging out and having a good time but I started to notice self tendicies. To me it seemed that all I was good for was my car as everytime we would go out (to places he wanted to go to usually mind you) he would go about do his thing being the gay b-more socialite that he is and I was left to my own devices. I wasn't on the needy tip, but damn, i drive you around and we came in together, at leasat acknowlege me. Is that too much to ask? These feelings persisted and I brought it up to him. Why the hell did he act like he didn't know what I was talking about. His azz only talked to me when he was ready to go and I wasn't going for that. What does he think this is, Driving Miss Daisy? I would not have minded it so much had we gone to places where I wanted to go.

Well he "lost his phone" and we lost contact. As I don't go to a lot of gay related things I didn't have the opportunity to see him as much. When I did go out he was never where I was.

Fastfoward 2 evening ago. I'm getting out the car about to get me a dime to wind down after a most unfortunate day when I see no one other than my Golden Boy. I called him and he came over smiling his big wide beautiful smile and gave me a big hug. Y'all he felt so good. It was one of those damn you look good it's very nice to see you hugs. I was captured once again. We decided to go out last night and apparently we're going out this weekend to DC. He left me lingering on to my hand.

When I got to his place I had it set in stone that I would not be performing any sexual acrobatics. Sans the details, we ended up messing around again and he looked as beautiful as ever. We had dinner and wanted me to take him to Sportsman just to 'stick his head in to support his friends in the drag show'. Oh yeah, he's a P/T drag queen. Something that i'm not really to thrilled about. I reluctantly obliged and spent 90 min there. I told him I was leaving and when he didn't come, i left his azz. I later came back to give him his pizza and as usual he asked me for a ride home. We left each other hugging.

Although Golden Boy is a nice guy, the selfish unassuming drag queen act is getting a bit old. I'm going to try my best not to do anything sexual with him anymore, but sometimes the flesh is weak! I'll do my best to abstain.

Mr. Wonderful, my golden boy, was nothing but an illusion. I saw right though his haze of sexual appeal. He's nothing but a scared a lil insucure boy who hides behind his humor so that know one sees how he's really hurting. I can never take his seriously b/c he's always 'on' , always joking, never just in chill mode. I'm perpetually stuck in chill mode. I do care about him though, so i'm going to be there. Just goes to show you, people who you think have to together are a complete mess. No one is ever really together. Those who you think are, are just good at appearing to have it together. The better you get to know people like this, the more you see cracks in what you thought was flawless.

Stronger

Chosen Commentary

2005-08-15T10:30:00.000-04:00

For y'all who don't know, I've made a conscious effort to stop using profanities or greatly decrease it because it was getting out of hand and would say things at inappropiate places and not realize what I was did until after I did it. Today I'm going to revert back to my old ways b/c some unreal shit happened this weekend and my true feeling can only be communicated through the use of profanities. So much to comment on, so lil time.

Just another comfirmation as to why I need my own place. This morning I decided to pop one off before I went to work b/c lately it never fails, around 10 am, I get this hormone surge and if I had the gual to pleasure myself in a public place then I would. Since I don't have it, I don't do it and decided to nip it in the bud this morning by knocking one off. I heard my mother's door open and walk down the hallway. My room is right next to the bathroom so I thought that she would go into the bathroom. NOPE!! She came in my room just as I had finished and was about to dispose of the evidence. I'm not sure what she saw, but she defintely knew what was going on. I've had my banana boat docked at masterbation station since i've been 13 years old and NEVER, i repeat NEVER has she knowingly caught me in the act. There have been close calls, but never been caught. I felt so embarrassed. One good thing came of it though (pardon the pun), I am not horny this morning. I have peace underneath!!!!

Y'all know all about my rows with my mother but we are really good friends and it worst comes to worst, we have each others back NO DOUBT!! Saturday evening, I got a call around 1 am from my mother sounding really frantic and hurt. She told me that she heard some devistating news and she didn't know how to take it. She sounded as if she was on the verge of tears. I felt my heart beating faster. What was it? Did someone die? Did something devasating happen to someone? Was someone in a horrible accident? She told me she didn't want to tell me as she was still processing it. What kind of shit is that? How you going to call me sounding like that and then not tell me what the hell is going on? I was so irriatated/worried that i turned off my phone. This morning after I was caught in the act, she tells me taht her ex-boyfriend who is a nut and a blog by himself, took her to a gay club to meet up with some of his 'faggy friends' as she put it. She had me worried and all about that? Women sometime don't think, men for that matter too. You can have all the evidence in front of their face and still not see it. Last summer, my mother found gay news papers in this bag and asked him why they were in there. He told her that "he had gay friends and wanted to see what was going on in the gay community" or some bull shit like that. C'mon now? I mess with dudes and I still dont' want to know what's goin on the the community like that. Another time, she told me that he wanted to invite his gay friends to their wedding. She wasn't having it. I wonder with all this evidence, why is she 'devisatated' that he took her to a place like that. I would have saw that shit coming. I guess we see and believe what we want to. Her ex, David, has talked to me about knowing the owner of the Club Bunns, which my mother calls Ms. Bunns, I think her take on the name is truer and funnier than the original! I think God may be tryin to teach her the lesson of tolerance. I don't see why she got as worked up as she did about it. She acted as if the world was coming to an end.

Friday evening I went out drinking with friends one of my friends gave me the most complimenting complimenting I have ever had and she didn't even know what I was going through or how I was feeling so it make it all the better. She didn't say it just to say it and make me feel better, she said it because she meant it. She said to me after 4 double shots of Grand Marnier, "Chosen, you are a beautful person. I mean, there is something about you that makes you so special. You are one of the most generous, sweetest people I know. There is also this sex appeal about you. You are black and beautiful and hung. Do you think that having sex would interfere in our relationship? Do you think that we could have sex and you keep ur mouth shut? Blah Blah more compliment." That's about the gist of it though. She told me she has secretly wanted to fuck me too. So does the girl who does my hair. I over heard them talking about how much they think they would enjoy fucking me. This is only b/c they heard about my reputation as a fabolous fuck! Y'all don't get the wrong idea. I'm not a hoe or anything like that, but I did have sex with one of their close friends and they have seen a pic of my penis. Both those girls are crazy. I love 'em to death.

You guys have been so right about the club. I think subsciously I was going in hopes of meeting someone, then leaving disappointed when I don't. I think when i go, i'm going to make a consious effort to go for me and just go with the flow. Not 'try' to meet anyone. I AM A BEAUTFUL PERSON WITH SO MUCH TO OFFER. Sometimes you ahve to tell urself that just to reassure yourself. There are forces that would make you think otherwise.

I don't know what's wrong with the world today. Yesterday while working the retail gig, a FEMALE moved her bowels in one of the fitting rooms. It wasn't one of those dainty lil shits either. It was one of those slimy stick to ur azz hair and underwear. I said how can a grown azz lady shit in a public place!!! That shit is so triflin!!! I could not fucking believe. A grown azz lady with grown azz shits. I am still in awe of it!! She took a full pledged shit on the floor. I don't even think that I would be comfortable with that. I know her azz was stinkin walking around the mall b/c she had to have oodles of shit stain in her undies judging from the consistentcy of the shit. It was making its way to diaharria (sp?). I was through after that until.....

I saw the FINEST blk man i have seen i na long time. He was an older gentleman but not too old and as soon as I he entered the store, we made eye contact and it was on. I decided that I had to make a move of some sort. He was very muscular, but not too muscular as to where it was overboard. he was YUMMY. He was wearing a tight Ben Sherman shirt that complimented his physique so beatufilly. The store had just gotten in some Red/white/ blue Ben Sherman jackets and I told him that we had a jacket to match the shirt. We went over there and I showed it to him. Ladies and gentlemen, let me tell you, he looked PHYNE as a motha fucka in that. Lawd, if i had a pussy, I would have been moist! He told me that he could not afford that jacket and I told him that he could put it on lay away. We began talking more shooting the shit. I kept asking him questions, where he lived (which is very near me), where he works out (he got that body using a home gym from Wal-Mart), ect. Just shooting the shit. OK world, this is where it gets a lil interesting. I have his telephone number from doing his lay way. I really want to give him a call and try to get up and meet with him. The thing is that i'm not sure if i should as I don't want to really lose by job, but that's really the least of my worries and PT jobs are easily found in a mall and secondly, he may not even be gay. Although everyone in the store thinks he is. I was thinking about calling him to remind him of his lay way and maybe that can ben a seg way (sp?) into what I really want HIM? This brotha seems amazing and has a calmness about him. He's talll dark and handsome. I have his number at home. I dont know waht to do.

Lastly, I saw 4 Brothers last night. The plot wasn't really developed all the well, still had me asking questions once the credits rolled. It was funny as hell and entertaining. Mark Wahlberg did an outstanding job as well as athe rest of the cast. I give it an B-. Worth ur money if you are not looking for something that's too developed, just entertaining.

Be easy

C.S. ~ Jus came across this site that promises you can change homosexuality in ur kids if you catch it early enough. Check it out and tell me what you think.

A NU day...Maybe

2005-08-12T09:01:00.000-04:00

Last night after dinner with Caucasian Asian (CA), Panama invited me to go to Hip Hop night at this white club with his friend Mr. Hamilton. I was not particuarly enthused to go b/c #1 I don't really do a lot of clubbing, #2 I don't do white clubs especially, #3 I gotta be up at 6 am for work and I'm working to basically 10 pm tonight. LAWD help me. I don't do clubs b/c I never have a good time there. I never meet anyone b/c I am too shy to approach them and no one of course ever approaches me. Could they be intimidated by me? I suppose I can be intimidating or look the part at least.

Of course Panama met someone as he always does. I don't know if he's clueless or just playing the part. He's a smart boy in my opinion so I think that he's playing the part, but for what reason I don't know. When we go to the bar when I first get there. There's this group of young people there and Panama just starts talking to them and introducing himself. They shake hands but when him it was more of a carress on the parts of both Panama and the boys who he introduced himself to. I asked him what that was all about and he said he didn't know. He knew what he was doing. He told me that the guy patted him on the back when he first got there. He was also giving him "the eye". Do not get this confused with hateration. I just want him to own up to what he's doing instead of playing the innocent part. I was a lil jealous though and I was not sure why. Was it b/c Panama met someone at the club and I didn't or was it b/c Panama met someone at the club and I still wanted him. Well since we've gone about before and he's brought his love interests for the momemt, I figure it must be b/c I didn't meet anyone and he did. While I am not envious, I wish I could just go up and start talking to people. I'm too shy and once I start talking to them, I don't have anything to say. It's really hard for me to meet people at the club. Maybe b/c most of the time I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb. The only time I can have a reasonable fun time at the club is if i'm nicely buzzed, off alcohol that is. B's just mellow me too much. I don't like the fact that I have to be buzzed to have a good time. Maybe it's in my head. Anyways, Panama spent the rest of the evening with his friend who carressed him on his back/who's handshake was a lil bit more than friendly/with who he started to dance with. I think I just wanted someone to talk to and dance with for an evening. Maybe even a new friend. I was kind of mad that Panama spent the whole night with his new friend, and not me. I hate that I wanted to cock block. I worry about him though. He seems so young and innocent. Like he has no idea what's going on sometimes, but I think it's all an act.

I ended up leaving b/c I saw my Big Gay Boss from the retail gig. The same guy who 'hit' on me that night while I was at work. Well he was there with his Big Gay Black boyfriend. I did not want him to see me and I try to keep work and the life seperate. I don't want any unncessary drama. As soon as I saw him I left. I mean I am not ashamed of who I am, but had he been from a past job I would have stayed. I was just envisioning the impending drama that would have ensued and it would have ended with me getting fired from beating someone's azz. Hopefully BGB didn't see me. If he did, oh well. Life goes on.

How do you approach someone? Are there any quality people in the club? Where do you go to meet quality people? Where is everyone, online? That's how I used to meet people. It was so much less pretensious, and I could get to know someone a lil better instead of being thrusted upon them at a club and trying to get to know someone over loud music.

Sometimes I get to thinking do I not meet anyone b/c of my appearance. I know that I look handsome, have a nice body, good personality (once I open up to you), intelligence, TWO jobs, dress nice, ect. Everyone who knows me loves me and tells me how nice of a guy I am. I have locs and i've had locs for the past 4 years. I think that I want a change. I've been comtemplating this change for awhile now. I need a new 'look'. The look that i've been contemplating is getting my locs cut off into a regular haircut with my side burns connected continuusly into a trimmed beard. Maybe i'll get more attention that way. While I was thinking about this I had to question my motivations, something that I always try to do when i'm making decision. Why do I feel like people have to reassure me that I look good? Why am I seeking attention? Feeling good about urself starts from within, this much I do know. You can not rely on other to make you ginuwinely happy. It has got to start from within. On the same token though, it feels good for people to come up and talk to you and tell you that you look good. Regardless of my motives, I want a change. At the same time, I love my hair, it's like an appendage. but I do think that I would look so much better w/o hair everywhere. Not sure of what to do, as usual. Lawd, I need you now!

I think that I would have talked to someone last night, but I did not find someone that I thought was interesting to talk to. Maybe I just told myself that.

Hopefully a NU day is coming. One that bring assurance. When I go visit my best friend in Minneapolis next month, maybe i'll do it there. It'll give us something to do together and I'll come back with a new...something.

Sometimes I get tired of being alone and I want sex. I got some condoms from the club just in case, but I don't see anyone in the future i'll be using them with. Gym guy and Jay 711, the guy who I met at 711 are the most likely candidates. I'm not really feeling
Jay or Gym. They are nice guys but i'm looking for someone a lil masculine. Lately i've been feeling females though. I was some vagina. In my fantisies during my time of self fufillment, I think of females, vaginas, and the various ways in which i would handle it. Maybe I should just stop going out to the club with Panama, it depresses me that he has a pleathora of people and I have no one. Maybe I just need to man up and go get it.

Pray that I start to come out my shell
These feelings are becoming my personal hell
I keep myself so hidden from the world. In order to see the real me
you have to get to know me
slowly
I wish I was not so shy or frearful
Fear of hurt pain and rejection
Not trying to have a tearful
Evening that ends in sunken dejection
Pray that I get over my fear of rejection
May I rise from the ashes of insecurity like a great phoenix
Spreading my wings
Doing my thang
Be the person I envision me to be
Life’s a journey
So I try not to let this moment get the best of me

Eureka!: Maybe I should just stop going out to the club, especially with Panama, it depresses me that he has a pleathora of people and I have no one. Why do I expect to keep doing the same thing and get a different result every time. That's foolish! Maybe I just need to man up and get out of my element and talk to people, preferable while i'm sober, most unlikely. THIS IS NOT A PITY PARTY. JUS FIGURING ISH OUT.

STOP THE INSANITY!!!

2005-08-11T08:56:00.000-04:00

World, it seems that I've am getting stalked to some extent. Upon my return from London last year, I began talking to this guy online, Tony. Now, at the time I didn't know that Tony was a drug addict. He seemed cool enought, but don't you know how you get this gut feeling inside of you that says leave it be? Well I got that feeling and chose to ignore it. There was something wrong about him from the start, I could tell that he was not wrapped so tight. He would go on and on about how much money he had and blah blah blah. When I gave him my phone number that's when it started to go down hill. He would call me incessently as he has no live and doesn't have a job and has not had a job to speak of for the longest. He is supported by his family who own a chain of buffets and carwashing throughout the Baltimore/ Washington area. He would tell me about his cocaine/heroine/crack/formaldehyde binges and how much he loved cocaine and his connections and how much money his has and how his father gave him a boat and so on an so forth. I told him that his money didn't impress me. Anything that I want I can get for myself. If I can't get it for myself then it's not for me to have. I'm not like those other faggy's you talk to. You can't woo me dollars, especially if you are a CRACKHEAD!!! Yes my friends, he has It got pretty annoying. So annoying that I stoped taking his calls.

Fastfoward yesterday

I'm driving home from the gym and I get a call. The number is a DC area code and I thought it was my friend from college as I was supposed to go to DC this weekend for Yoga and dinner. Its was no other than that jive ass fool Tony. At first I pretended like I didn't know who he was, I loathe this brotha. He asks me why don't I call him or every answer his phone. My response, "I was busy." He told me that he was in B-more and his father restaurant and was wondering if I could get something to eat. Since I was in the area of the restaurtant and I didn't have anything really to do, I said what the hey. Afterall, it was free food and I was hungry. Since they had carry out boxes, I tought I would get some food and go home.

I get to the restaurant and this ashy, cracky, super gut meets me grinning from ear to ear. This man looks terrible. I could not even imagine mouting this overgrown chupacabra. I seriously think the brotha is mentally distrubed. The first thing he says to me? "I haven't done coke since March 17. March 15 I was taken to the hospital when I called my father after I did three bags of coke and started having chest pains. I used to lvoe cocaine more than I love dick. I said you stil do love it more b/c that's all the hell you talk about. He went on and on about the same things as always and as always. I just kept on thinking free food.

He ranted and raved about this food. restaurant was a Soulfood/Chinese/ Italian buffet. Experience has taught me any place serving so many different types of cuisines is bound to be nasty b/c instead of focusing on one type and doing it well, they focus on many and its more times than not, medioacre. The food looked like someone ate it and vomited it back up, at least that was the chinese food. The food appeared to have been sitting there forever and was dried. I decided to pick my poison wisely as nothing seemed particularly appetizing.

He went on and on about how sexy I was and blah blah blah. I said, I know i'm fine and everything you can stop telling me. He was giving me compliments which normally I would have enjoyed, but from him, I could have passed.

To add insult to injury that negro makes me pay for my food after inviting me down. Ever the consumate business man! I took my two wingetts, 3 meatballs, chicken and brocolli, and dry azz mac and cheese home to discover it was terrible and luke warm.

Since then he has been blowing up my spot. He wont stop calling me and of course I never pick up. He's been texting me too. Just to give y'all a taste of what he sayin and how crazy his azz it, i'll transcribe a message for you:
"Thought you had text on ur cell that what u told me last night babe I shoulda suck ur dick when you saw me u was looking might tasty to me. i love what I see and come see me tomorrow in Dc. could use some company. Do you taste as sweet as you look? How old are you now, you look so young to me."

What have I done?

Sometimes I just get so damn angry

2005-08-09T14:46:00.000-04:00

I thought today instead of posting a post, I would just read and respond to the many blogs that are really good. So many things going on in people's lives and so many parallels to my life. We are all under the cloth of humanity and these parallels just reinerate this belief. I could not help myself as there are so many things to discuss. I feel myself getting into my 'Black Militant' mode. LAWD knows how much I love blk people, for what we have done, what we are doing, and what we are going to do. I envision a throwback to the 1970's when there was Blk pride. We wore our Afros with the blk power fist peeking out from our coiled tresses. What happened to those days? It seems like we as a people have forgotten who we are and where we come from. What happened to getting knocked in the mouth for talkin back? Whatever happened to getting the switch from off the switch tree? I was a pro at picking the right switch and God forbid I tried to punk out and get a pussy switch. Whoever it was, auntie, granny, uncle, big cuz, mother, would go and get a switch and wear me out. That was the worst! What is missing these days is dicipline. I am very concerned at the way in which our youth disrespect our elders. We have so much to learn from them and like the Bible says, "There is nothing new under the sun" There is a circle of life. We all go through the same things for the most part. Elders are there to guide us through life. Look out for us. Kids today, they just don't get that. People talk to their parents any kind of way they want to. Let me stay out till all hours of the night. When I got back home the locks may be changed. I was instilled with a fear of my mother. Today, we have parents who concentrate on being their childs friend, not their parent. This parental negligence is at the core of what is wrong with blk people today. We tend not to invest in our children the way we used to. This lack of dicipline coupled with the effects of insitutional racism has led to a society where our black youth are taught they can be nothing by the media as they perpetuate negative portrayals of our people. Hip-hop in some instances is very misogynistic. Youth hold these lyrics as truth and with noone to tell them otherwise they accept it and act on it. It is time that we start start taking responsibility for our people.

Today I came across a study that was really informative, sad, but informative. It was titled, " The Persistence of White Privildege and Institutional Racism in US Policy" Although this study was performed 4 years ago, I don't think much has changed concerning the social, political, and economic plight of black peoples. I encourage everyone to read as much as possible, especially the introduction.

If something doesn't change, I think hope is lost.
We need to wake up and catch a clue

Be Easy

I wish I could take credit for this...

2005-08-08T15:16:00.000-04:00

...but I can't. It's so awesomely on point that i hate to steal it from Midlife Crisis

Please Stop Fronting ... For the Love of GOD!

YOU ARE FAT…Stop Acting Like You Don’t Care.That overly-aggressive, arrogant attitude don’t mean shit. You’re secretly afraid that men don’t find you attractive and you overcompensate. Plain and simple.

YOU JOINED THE ARMED FORCES…Don’t be mad at Bush now.I guess you thought that you were gonna go to college and see the world. That’s what the fuck you get for believing those commercials. Your life belongs to the most retarded first-world leader at present. You fucked up. For real.

YOU WANT TO BE SPECIAL, Better Than The Rest…So you’ve been spoiled by being singled out every now and again. You know you have the potential to shine. But you haven’t really. Not yet. So you focus on the future—when you actualize your true destiny. When your REAL LIFE will begin. But you’ll be ready to fucking kill yourself if you were told that you have actually PEAKED. Why she talking about me on this one???

YOU GOT PLAYED…Stop making excuses.You were a dumb bitch. You had all the signs right in front of your face. He was cheating on his OTHER woman when he got with you. But you thought you were special. You thought he would treat you better than the others. You thought you had something over on the other girls. You thought you he showed the real him only to YOU. You thought wrong.

YOU’RE INSECURE…and you keep trying to prove otherwise. You need other people to boost your self-esteem. You are annoying because you are always fishing for compliments. You read Iyanla Vanzant and watch Oprah and proclaim yourself healed. You try to pretend that you are independent but you’re really a needy motherfucker. And your stupid enough to think you’re fooling people.YOU BELIEVE NO ONE’S GONNA LOVE YOU…so you’re busy fucking everybody else’s man. You call it independence. You call it Power. You call it being able to take him or leave him. But it’s just a way to get the attention and affection that you need in the meantime. Better that than standing around lonely and biting your fingernails scared that no one will truly ever love you for YOU.

YOU THINK PEOPLE ARE IMPRESSED BY THE FACT THAT YOU”RE A CHRISTIAN…You wear your “God-fearing” label proudly. You announce that you went to church this weekend like anybody really gives a fuck. You have illegitimate children. You forget that we know that you are a ho with little standards.
Stop fronting!

Chosen Commentary

2005-08-08T13:40:00.000-04:00

So much to say and so lil time to say it. Since my computer is broken indefinitely, I can only use the internet at work. Monday’s are always the busiest and the most hated.
This weekend was absolutely FANTASTIC. The best part about it was that it was flowed and was drama free. Thank the LAWD for no drama. I just wanted to talk this time to comment about some thing that I’ve noticed.

1. Ed Mcmachon’s fall from grace: Last night while in a blunt induced food haze, I turned on my TV and to my surprise, I saw Mr. Star Search doing an infomercial for this local car dealership, Liberty Ford. WTF??? Is this pillar of the entertainment financial woe’s so great, that he has to subject himself to doing ads or car dealership? This man was the announcer for Jonny Carson for forever. I grew up hearing, "And heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere’s Jonny." I was quite upset about that one. I think someone needs to get a new agent. Next think you know, he’ll be doing weddings and such. Life’s a hustle and he’s making the paper and that’s really all that matter. He’s a lot better off financially that me I’m sure. One thing that urked me was something he kept on saying, "Give me Liberty or give me death!" How cheesy????

2. Speaking of hustling, I saw Hustle and Flow this weekend. Very decent movie! Seeing that movie made me want to go out and start producing music. Music has always been a passion of mine and even as a young tike, I always wanted to sing. I think I have a decent voice, but I see the garbage the put on the radio, and I’m like if people think Jennifer Lopez can sing, maybe I have a chance. I’m scared to peruse that dream though. I’m a scaredy cat. Hustle & Flow also taught me that there are walkers & talkers. I won’t go into much more than that, but I’m trying to be a walker, not a talker. That being said, I’m going to as of tomorrow start actively looking for grad school scholarships. Hopefully Grad school will be my next hustle. Pray for me as I embark on this journey.

Side bar: Mother just called me to tell me that I was piss poor for not moping the kitchen floor. Excuse me if after working 60+ per week I don’t notice the floor being dirty in a place where I harly ever am. I am tired of this abuse. We also have a falling out over the weekend the car no less than 10 minutes after we got out the church. The reason why I’m always out in the street is b/c I don’t feel like dealing with my mother. LAWD knows I love her to pieces, but when will she see me as her SON and not as her CHILD? There is a big difference. I think that a lot of our problems stem from our living together. In the 5 years that I was movie out we got along so much better. Distance does make the heart grow fonder. Is God trying to tell me something? I hope so.

3. Last night I was heartbroken to find out that Showtime at the Apollo, which broadcasted from Harlem, NY has changed both name and location. It is now called Live in Hollywood. This show still has the same format, but it has lost its New York Charm. First of all the Audience, the LA Audience seems bipolar, as if they were an informerical audience. When an act came on they were happy, then they were sad, then they were happy again. It was just too much. I love the NYC audience so much better. They seemed like regular people. The LA audience was also dressed too nice. This was not a red carpet even or anything. Also fake azz Barbie wannabe is the new host. I like her better seen and not heard! THIS CHANGE DISGUSTS ME!!!! The one saving grace of the show is that the musical act was Baltimore’s own, Lil Mo. Her album just came out so everyone cop it! For some reason, I can't find anything info about her on the net. She was with Cash Money Records, but she's not listed as an artist on their web site. I also can't fine the name of her new album. Can someone help a brotha out?

4. As most of you are aware, Peter Jennings died last night from lung cancer. He’d starting smoking cigarettes when he was 13 years old. I guess back then, smoking cigarettes was like chewing gum. It was ‘harmless’ and everyone did it. This man never finished HS and wasn’t even a US citizen till recently. Peter Jennings helped to form the fabric of my political life. It’s not much, but for a long as I can remember he’s been a constant. Sorry to see such a talented intelligent man pass away. I pray that his family finds strength during this grave hour. Last night as they announced it on an ABC News special edition, they tried to scramble together people to ‘remember him’. It amazes me how when seasoned journalists are put on the spot, they say the stupidist things.
Barbara Walters: "If you see kids smoking, just tell them we lost Peter." Do you think kids who smoke know who Peter Jennings is, and more importantly, if they do know, the probability of them caring enough to stop smoking, is 0 to none.
Diane Sawyer: "Peter Jennings will not CUM again." Well Duh! He's dead!

This Saturday I went to my cousin’s week azz party. It was held at this really nice museum and I thought that since I was told that I would get in free, that I would get in free. When I got there, even though I had my cousin and her husband in tow, I still had to pay $25. I was like damn!!! To add insult to injury, the drinks were $10. Granted the music was pretty good, there was no one at the part and I got there around 11:30 or so. People seemed to be coming but I didn’t give it that long. I left to go to the ATM and my friend 2nd oldest gay friend Carver called me about going to Sportsman, a blk gay bar. I went b/c there really wasn’t anything for me at my cousin’s party. I waited for Carver in the parking lot and guess who drives up, Panama. My baby boy!! He didn’t end up going in but he finally got a chance to meet Carver. That pleases me! Had fun in the club and ended up taking someone home. Although I protected myself, I was still disappointed in myself. I didn’t want my first time doing anything since May to be like this. There was no emotional attachment whatever. The person I went home with have talked before on multiple occasions. I let myself down. The sex was mediocre at best. I hate myself for doing it. Next time I fornicate, it will not be a one night stand! Promise

2005-08-05T08:17:00.000-04:00

People say a picuture is worth a 1000 words.

Hopefully It all works out

2005-08-04T14:02:00.000-04:00

Yesterday something happend to me str8 out of The Days of Our Dirk.

On the days when I am not working the retail gig, I find myself at the gym trying to work on some of my nether regions. A brotha was pissed yesterday for several reasons:
#1: I had planned to get my car fixed. My back brakes are sqeaking like a cat in heat (FO REAL FO REAL) and my old needs changing after driving back and forth to DC to see my ungreatful ex back when when were were dating. Well I've been trying to find a reliable mechanic and when I thought I found one, a brotha decided not to pick up his phone. My car still needs some love.
#2 : When I got to the gym I didn't have a t-shirt to work out in. I had to resort to a dirty polo in the back of my car. I sweat like a hebrew slave at high noon when I work out so the polo was not condusive to my needs. I need somethign light.
#3: My forearms were killing me b/c as I tried a new fore are exercise monday at the gym that my body was not ready for. It's thursday and my muscles still hurt, gladly not as bad.

After a remedial work out at the gym, I did my normal after work out ritual, a nice hot steamy sweaty session in the steam room. Brothas and sistas of the blog world, my gym was voted the best gym to cruise at in the city of Baltimore by the city paper. Well not much cruising goes ont here as I've seen it. It used to be so much worse back the day. All I've seen is people fondleing themselves....well that was until yesterday.

There this man who is always there who literally could be the first born of Java the Hut. His azz stays in the sauna and naked at that. EWWWWWWW!!!! The only thing covered that covers his countless fat rolls, is a towel that which covers the fat rolls on his azz.

So Java and I were sitting in the room and this guy came. He seemed harless enough. He was looking a lil mean, but I decided to see where he was coming from. This is how it went down:
Me: Excuse me, do you have the time?
Him: No. Why didn't you look at the time before you came in?
Me: 'Cause I didn't want to know the time when I came in.

Sounds of silence commenced and somehow we got to this point:
Him: So do you boyfriend, girlfriend, significant other?
Me: No, No, No
Him: Why not?
Me: Me and my boyfriend broke up. He wasn't man enough for me.
Him: Blah blah blah
Me: Blah blah blah

This went on for some time and he got up off the bench and inched his way toward my chest. He started to kiss on my neck, nipples, and chest. A brotha was loving it as my nipples are very sensitive, espeically after not being touched for a bit. Y'all know how backed up I am too. It took every ounce of self respect for me to tell him to stop. At first I was shocked. Then I was loving it. Then I regained my composure.

We left the sauna and we actually had a pretty decent conversation. He's a hairstylist and his name is Mario. Nice enough looking brotha. No extra heads or anything like that. He offered to do my hair b/c it needs to be done badly. I'm going to get my hair down tomorrow though anyway. He said that he doesn't date people he meets in the gym. I guess all he does is fondle them. I'm not pressed anyway. I called him today to try to set up an appointment with him for my hair for next week. We exchanged a few words and I gave him my number and told him to call me. Interested in seeing where this goes.

Hopefully it all works out and I can get to know him better, then get to know that body better. I have a feeling someone needs to be diked down! 0:-P

Oh that guy Tony who I met a BUNNZ?? We'll he hasn't called me yet, even after I called him. Not tryin to be pressed over NO ONE!!!

From the heart

2005-08-04T13:15:00.001-04:00

Yeah I'm that Chosen Brotha walking down the street
Swinging my locs to the sound of my own beat
Thinking and dealing, wheeling and feeling
the melancholy of once was
the hope the life is stealing

Reflection of love come and gone
What happened to that love?
Why didn't it last that long?

Feeling that everything happens for a reason
You live and you die, all in season

Trying my best to to do what's right
Getting my life together
Yeah, that shit sounds tight

Feeding and growing like a mighty oak tree
It's starting to feel good to finally be me.

She get it from her Mama

2005-08-03T14:49:00.000-04:00

Parents fuck you up. There I said it. It's hard to imagine that someone who loves you so much and hurt you, not intentionally though. I think parents love their kids so much they they go into some form of histerical mental blindness when it comes to their kids. They want the best for them, but the best as they see it. Sometimes they fail to realize that lil Malik or baby girl has their own dreams and realities that they must come into.

In my case, my mother doesn't want me to be gay. I can so understand that. I mean, who wants their child to be gay? I know that I wouldn't. She believes its in my best interests that I am not this way. I believe that it's in her best interests that I am not that way. I would have never chose this for myself. I am still coming to terms with this in many respects.

Other parents tend to live vicariously through their kids. I was looking at a news program fairly recently and there was a daughter who could not have been any more than 8 years old and her mother was 'coaching' her into becoming a world class cheer leader. The mom used to be a cheerleader with a future until she got knocked up. Now she quit her job, spends all this money on professional cheer coaches, as well as costumes and camps. She invest all of her time into her child's cheer career while her other kids are falling to the way side, getting into all types of trouble. What got me is that the lil girl, really didn't seem all that intersted in becoming a cheer leader. She just wanted to please her mommy. It's a shame.

There is also the extreme opposite when parents are not involved in anything the child does. I was so glad when my parents came to see me play sports, theatre, singing, whatever. Their support was invaluable and it helped created a positive self image of myself. I do know that if you don't give ur children any attention, they will seek it elsewhere. In some respects that's why there is high instances of teenage pregnancy and gang related activity. Children want a senese of family, a routine, STRUTURE.

The saying goes, everything in moderation. Anything that this is a polar extreme is bound to throw something off balance. Balance is the key in life!

Be blessed

C.S.~ I challenged anyone in here to say they were adversly affected by their parents. I think it's inevitable. I accepts it as a fact. Parents either love and show their kids too much attention or don't love or show them enough. If we could learn to love our kids but at the same time, encouage them to find their own way.

Could I be Bipolar?

2005-08-02T13:59:00.000-04:00

"Am I lonely? Yes. Am I upset? Yes. Am I confused? Yes. Do I have my days when I've thrown a little pity party for myself? Absolutely. But I'm also doing really well."

These words are from Jennifer Anniston. The attractive, successful, talented, and beautiful actress who seemingly has everthing, except for a husband. I mean if she has succomb to feelings such as these, then there is no hope for me! I appreciate the kind words and everyong putting up with my 'feeling of inadaquacy'. Of course it took Mama, and a few blog brothas, to get me out of my rut. I just had a frank conversation with her about what was going on in my life. My feelings of not being good enough, being stagnant. She reminded me of all the qualities that I poessessed and how much I had accomplished to be 24. She also said its Satan's plan to make us feel this way, he wants steal our joy and he knows what to do to make that happen. I know that I am brilliant, articulate, attractive, and many other things. So what if no one in the club talks to me and they talk to Panama. Maybe there pseudo-rejection is God's protection. I keep forgetting that I am protected under the blood. Let me stop comparing myself to others and start some self improvment. We all have different qualities. Maybe Panama has a look that attracts a lot of gay men to him, maybe I don't. To be honest with y'all I would not even want most of the guys that are attracted to Panama. I need to start accepting myself as I am b/c until I do that, I am only holding myself down. We have the tendency turn fallicies into realities. If we believe something is a certain way, eventhough it is not; subconsciously we will start to behave in a certain way to promote how we think things are, ultimatly making that fallacy a reality. This serves to only block the blessings that is in store for us.

I need to keep focus and ask God to deliever me from these feelings as well as of things that I know I need deliverance from and those things that I don't know I need deliverance from. I don't feel like going to church up on this thing, but I will if i have to. God has as plan for me and I need to start prayin more and 'gettin in the word' in order to discern what he wants of me. He did not bring me this far just to leave me. In this state of stagnation, there is a blessing beyond my comprehension that awaits me. I have always felt that I was destined for greatness and I am endowed with the tools for it. Jesus help me to hold out and take away anything that gets in the way of us and your plan for me. This is my prayer.

I, as well as some of my fellow bgb's (black gay bloggers) need to let things go. Forget about what happened in the past we can not change it. If we hold on to the past it only serves to hold us down. I'm still basking in the glow of a former life. That life as I knew it is gone. Out with the old and in with the new. For my whole life I have been a big fish in a decent size pond. Everywhere I went I was able to meet a group of 'friends' fairly easily, but they were never gay friends. I never had really had any of them. I can count my gay "associates" on one hand. I guess b/c the only thing i really like to do that's gay is sleep with men, and i'm not even so sure i like to do that anymore. Some pussy would be nice. If I am to be with a man, i'm pretty sure that I won't find him a club/bar/gym. Those places are so pretenious and people are trying their best to be something that they're not. That's not who i am. I'm just a nice sensibile, somtimes sensitive, with a good heart. Do people like that reside in places such as those? That's another blog.

Of course my mother has to mention something about my feeling stemming from my 'life style'. She is true though and it's partly her fault. Isn't it always the mother's fault? She has always made me feel like being who I am is wrong. I feel that in some ways, I am less of a man b/c I am like this. I am not comfortable by any means with being gay and when I feel that I am not accepted within the confines of the gay community, I feel like where do I belong? I'm still working on loving every part of me. Finding the me that is more than sufficient and learning to accept me, every part of me. How do I get to the point where Smiling is? How do I create a cease fire in my battle with self-hate, loneliness, and lack of self worth. While these feelings of asphyxiation are not frequent, I want to be like Paul Bunyon, and chop down all the negativity in the forrest that is my life.

The only person getting in my way is me. Redemption is a beautiful thing.

By the way, Fratman and Bilal, thanks for the encouraging words. They really touched a brotha's heart.

I can't get no satisfaction

2005-08-02T11:07:00.000-04:00

I wish I could blog about something more jovial b/c I know that is what I would normally want to read unless it was something extra juicy or something, But lately ladies and gentlemen, this Chosen Brotha has not been feeling so chosen. I'm not exactly sad really as everything is going pretty decently in my life. There are always things that I want to change in my life, but for the most part things are on the up and up. I'm still blessed. I hate to get on this pity party, b/c that's so not me and if you were to see me live in living color, you probably would not suspect that I feel the way that I've been feeling. This blog is a form of self therapy for me. A forum of self expression so that maybe if I see what I'm feeling, maybe I can better understand it.

Music has always been a part of my life and i've used it as a soundtrack. This currect selection is Breakdown from Mariah Carely. This sums up how I feel at the moment, really inadequate. I hate feeling like this.

Well I guess I'm trying to be nonchalant about it
And I'm going to extremes to prove I'm fine without you
But in reality I'm slowly loosing my mind
Underneath the guise of a smile gradually I'm dying inside
Friends ask me how I feel and I lie convincingly
'Cause I don't want to reveal the fact that I'm suffering
So I wear my disguise 'til I go home at night
And turn down all the lights and then I break down and cry

At the moment I feel really fragile inside. I guess I'm not really liking my life right now. Hate the job, non-existent love life, feeling like i'm the worse communicator in the world, I need to get a place of my own b/c my moms is getting on my damn nerves, gotta find money for grad school, blah, blah, blah, bitch, bitch, bitch

I'M SO NOT SATISFIED WITH LIFE BY MOST MEANS AT THE MOMENT

I promise though, no matter how i'm feeling at the moment, tomrrow will bring a better day and a brighter blog. I just needed to rant at the moment and try to figure somethings thing out.

Oh yeah...what ever happened to Tevin Campbell? Last thing I heard, he pulled a George Michael, but that wasn't in the media that much.

Oh yeah, whatever you do, DO NOT go and see the movie Wedding Crashers. It's HORRIBLE. I mean, DAMN!!!! I would have been more entertained watching....well, anything. Save ya $10.

Where have the cowboys gone?

2005-08-01T15:17:00.000-04:00

Sunday started out like any other. Go to work at the retail gig and try to find something to do. After my attempts to try to find something entertaining to do, I came home. Sitting there in my boredom I decided to do something that I don't normally do and go to gay club, by MYSELF. Let me tell y'all I loathe gay clubs most of the time. I never had a good time when I go there and I feel out of place. No one ever talks to me and I jsut end up drinkin by myself in the corner. When I get a lil loose from the liquor, I dance for a lil bit. When the drink starts to wear off I wil get bored and go home. My ex, Panama, has no promblem meeting gay folk. They seem to flock to him. I mean he is attractive, but hey, so am I. We've talked about this before and he's said that I don't look as "open" to being talked to. I can agree with that to some extent. I always have a mug on my face and I don't know why. I am a nice person and I don't bite..well not unless I'm asked to nicely.

Well when I park my car around the corner from the club it's no other than Panama's old friend, Buster, who they became re-acquainted with on Panama and I's first day. Buster is cool, but a lil too gay for my liking but cool nonetheless. Makes a good friend. He's out chilling with his boy smoking a b. We go inside the club and Buster tells me that Panama is on his way. So i give him a call but as soon as he picks up, he's in the club. I love Panama, i really do. I have to be careful with him though b/c I don't want to fall for him again. He's the sweetest guy ever, but's I need a man on my level and he has so much growing to do and so many men to do. I need to let him grown. I love him that much. He's my lil gay brotha for real. In the midst of the alcholol I told him last night how much his friendship means to me. I love him like a brotha y'all and I can't lie about that one, much to the dismay of CA, who is I think is threated by anyone I get involved with as he still harbors feeling for me.

So Panama, Buster, and I are chillin in the club checkin the guys out. There seemed to be a lot of old heads. Some looked nice and others, well....My mama said if you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all. I'll keep it at that! I can not approach a guy to save myself. I don't know what it is. I just lose words. I don't know what to say to anyone. In part, I think i'm afraid of rejection. Also, i don't know what to say. How to strike up a convo. As me and my boys were chillin, i saw this guy size me up. I was like, what the hell is he lookin at. His friend started looking at Panaman and asked Panama to dance. The dude how was sizing me up then grabbed my hand and asked me to dance. I wasn't so sure at first, then I thought, what the hell, it's only a dance. We dance for a while and it was pretty cool, be he got a lil too close for comfort as started rubbing up on my body. I'm glad he was gentleman enough not to put his hands on any of my unmentionables though. We danced some more we went outside to talk. His name is Tony and he works for FEDS. He seems cool enough. He said he was coming back to B-more to visit some friends and suggest that I give him a call. Maybe I will when I get off. He has his own house and a nice Benz, so that sweetens the pot a lil bit. Cheers to hoping he's a bottom. But i'm not going to dik him down quite just yet. I gotta get a feeling for him. Developing....

I secretly think that I am a lil jealous of Panama. He's never has any problem meeting gay men. He knows more gay men in B-more than I do and he just started going out in march and i've been here my whole life. Sometimes I think this 'life style' isn't for me b/c it seems that i never fit it. I havent' found my gay niche. I don't know what's wrong. Panaman is always getting hit on, I mean ALWAYS!! Sometimes I wonder what's wrong with me. Nothing that I can see. I mean I look good and I dress nice. Maybe its Panama's fake bling that attracts all the men. But I guess not all attention is wanted attention. I just with someone would shower some attention on me sometime. Maybe I should start being more assertive and talking to people. I have no idea. All I know is that I wish i knew what to do. I mean I dress very nice and I put my clothes together and most times my hair and my face are together. Maybe people are intimidated to approach me. I mean if you think someone is attractive but they look mean, you are less likely to approach them. My mother told me that the gay life style wasn’t for me and people didn’t approach me b/c she prayed for it. Maybe that’s it! I'm jealous and of a friend at that. I would never manifest my jealously toward him directly b/c that's not right. It's my problem not his. But i'm not spitefully jealous, like I want what he has, I just want a lil bit of attention or conversation.

Where is my John Wayne?
Where is my Prairie Sun?
Where is my happy ending?
Where have all the cowboys gone?

What is your Political Ideology?

2005-08-01T11:15:00.000-04:00

At the tender old age of 24 I am beginning to sense an evolution of my political ideology. Once upon a time, especially during my college years, I subscribed to the laisser faire political beliefs, meaning basically that you mind you own damn business and you let people do whatever they want to do. Those days of my youth cemented in me that thought of freedom. I'm beginning to think that some people simply are not intelligent enough to exercise the freedom to rule over themselves. While Sometimes you just have to interfere when the decisions that you make are adversly effecting others. Based on the following quiz, I've determined that I am a politically speaking, a Black Moderate. Here's why, based on this survey.

__x_ Are black: Black and LOVING it...well most of the time anyway
__x__ Support school vouchers: Everyone should have the right to the good education of their choice.
__x__ Support/oppose abortion, with exceptions: I agree with a woman's right to choose. I don't agree with have having abortion money next to the night stand in anticipation for the impending abortion. We're talking about a life here, you should not be able to pass fetuses through your tubes with the same regularity that you pass bowels. I suggest an abortion a year limit. Only special cases would be made though (i.e. rape/mother life at risk/ baby developmentally unsound)
__x__ Support some gay rights, but not marriage: Equal rights for everyone. I believe marriage is supposed to be b/t man and woman. I do believe that all couples regardless of gender makeup, should be privy to the same rights under the law. I mean the purpose of a goverment is to prove the best quality of life for ALL of its peoples, not just thouse who they find morally just. Remember the separation of Church and State?
__x__ Support lower taxes for all but rich folks: Give tax breaks to those that really need it
__x__ Favor integration over assimilation: I think we need to keep our identity.
____ Support gun ownership, with restrictions: I think the world would be a much better place without guns.
__x__ Favor an internationalist foreign policy: Whatever one country does effects global trends. It's important to make decisions based on the good of everyone.
____ Like President Bush I more than President Bush II: Neither one did anything for me
____ Are "squishy middle" on affirmative action: I think affirmative action is a necessary evil. I would like to believe we live in a world where everyone has the same opportunities afforded to them. Unfortunately we don't.
__x__ Like Colin Powell more than Clarence Thomas: I don't even want to begin the rant that is my disdain for Mr. Thomas.
__x__ Mainly support one political party, but do swing vote: Staunch Democrat on all but some issues. I usually align myself with demorcratic p0licy b/c they seem to make the most sense to me. After all, had it not been for FDR I would not have my job at the moment.
____ Favor a welfare state, but believe it is currently too high: Don't understand it enough to make a comment on.
__x__ Believe racism poses an obstacle, but so does victimology rhetoric: Playing the victim only holds us back. I know that I will have to prove myself more than my European derivitives, but it makes the victory all the more sweeter. If we continue to play the vicitim, the problems that continually plague Black Americans will not subside. Victimisation has become our excuse for lazyness. WAKE UP MY PEOPLE!
__x__ Believe black Americans should have some ties to Africa, but focus on USA: We are one in the same. As the saying goes, He is not heavy, he's my brotha."

11 out of 15: 73.3%

If at least 9 of the 15 points (60%) apply to you and you answered yes to the first question, then you're a black moderate. Notables: Colin Powell, Rep. Harold Ford Jr. (D-TN), Debra Dickerson

Still Just Three-Fifths of a Man

2005-08-01T09:55:00.000-04:00

I know that I haven't blogged in a while. It seems that I have so much to say when I am not at the computer, but when I am at the computer, nothing seems to come to me. I decided it was better to write nothing, than to write some BS. Here's an article I thought was thought provoking.

By Steve Cobb

The US Constitution, a glorious document that for over 200 years has provided the basis of the most successful political system in human history, was marred by the inclusion of a couple of clauses hinting that slavery was wrong, but failing to condemn it, let alone prohibit it. Under the "Three-Fifths Compromise," slaves were counted as three-fifths of a human being for the purpose of determining a state's representation in Congress. The same Founders who cried "no taxation without representation" must have seen the irony in giving representation to the slave-masters based on the quantity of their un-free, non-voting chattel. The injustice continues today: despite Emancipation and the civil rights movement, I remain but three-fifths of a man, and it gives no consolation that so many whites have joined me in slavery.
A slave is not entitled to the results of his labor, an essential element of humanity. Since the average American now works to pay off his taxes until late April, exactly two-fifths of the year, he remains just three-fifths of a human being. A slave is not expected to have his own dreams to work for, and neither is the taxpayer, no more than would a sheep. In any event, the small dreams that an individual might have are of no interest to those who exploit his labor. They have grander plans, and lack only money to realize them. These predators also lack the imagination, energy, and honesty to make their own money, and find it easier to take it from others.
Slaves could not escape their masters or choose a better one, and runaways were returned to face punishment. In the modern age, the United States are one of the few countries in the world to tax based on citizenship rather than residency. If a US citizen moves to another country that provides better services at lower cost in taxes, he still must pay US taxes, or give up his US citizenship. Even high-tax European countries do not try to shake down their citizens living overseas; this is unique to the "land of the free". Although I reside in Russia, it is the US that tries to tax me most: Russia has only a 13% flat tax!
Of course, modern slavery does not end with taxation. American slaves were prohibited by law from learning to read or write, let alone pursue an education. Today, black parents cannot freely choose the school that their children attend, being compelled to use the closest outlet of the public school monopoly. Most whites have access to better schools, so the white majority constituency does not feel the same urgency to fix the problem, but they suffer under the system as well.
A slave's well-being is dependent on the whim of the master, and today we are largely dependent on Social Security. We do not invest into a fund that we own, we "contribute" into a pyramid scheme that we hope to get something out of before it collapses. On average, every working black American transfers $10,000 to whites in Social Security benefits, because blacks have a shorter life expectancy, and Social Security is not a private account that could be passed on to one's heirs. Die early, and the "investment" you made all your life gets shared by longer-lived retirees, not your children. Thus we are handicapped in trying to accumulate family wealth across generations.
A slave does not own or control his own body. Today, we cannot freely choose our own medicines or recreational drugs (woe to those who prefer marijuana over Prozac, or crack over powder cocaine). We cannot even end our lives voluntarily with the aid of a doctor.
A slave may not possess a weapon and defend himself. Today, gun ownership is restricted primarily in the large cities, precisely where most blacks live. Unlike in past times, when rural blacks needed guns to defend themselves against the Klan, it is now inner-city blacks who are in greatest need of defense, but likewise they cannot fully rely on the police. They are denied their fundamental right to self-defense.
A slave cannot vote. Today, a large percentage of black men have permanently lost their right to vote for the rest of their lives because of felonies they committed as young adults. These crimes may have been non-violent or even victimless, in connection with the drug war, but there is no possibility of redemption. Again, they are subject to laws made against their interests, but without their representation.
Why does our loss of our humanity and human rights bother us so little? Perhaps because we see everyone else now in our same condition: unlike 150 years ago, there are no free men left to envy. If some people wish to live as slaves, that is their business, but those of us who do not should be free to group together and associate with other liberty-minded people. Let the peasants and slaves have their false security, we will exercise our rights and choose freedom.

Chosen Tidbits

2005-07-26T14:28:00.000-04:00

1. God is Good!!! I know this is a cliched termed tossed around frequently b/t church folk, but for real, for real, God is Good. I'm being blessed in ways that I really don't feel that I deserve. Why do I feel that I don't deserve this blessings? Well i'm glad you asked. Lately I know that I have not been walking the spiritual journey that Christ requires of me. My prayer time has been lax and I'm not going to church as much as I used to and as much as I think I ought to be going. I have also been indulging in things where I need not indulge. While I'm doing these things I am constantly telling myself this is not what I am supposed to be doing. While I care not eloborate at the moment, this lets me know that God is still working on me and I truly am a work in progress. I'm just excited/ horrified to see what the end outcome is going to be. Through all of my faults, my strengths and my weaknesses, on entity has been a constant friend, and that is Jesus. I can't being to tell yall the situations where I've been in where it was Jesus who kept me. Only heaven and a select few people know. I know he has been there with me through some fires. For those of the praying persuasion, pray that whoever reads this post will manifest the life's plan that God, whomever you choose to see as God, has for them. As I have said before, there are forces out there that do not want us to succeed. May we pray to keep these forces at bay and let the fire of prosperity, joy, confidence, ect. consume us. LAWD, we need a revival, and let it begin in me!

2. The nature of my job permits me to handle classified information. Today I recieved a call from one of our clients asking for help. This person can be considered a celebrity, well a sports celebrity to say the least. He played professional sports for over 10 years, and was even selected as an All-Star. This brotha right here is not FLAT BROKE! He called my office today for some financial assistance. Now if this story was leaked to a major paper or gossip magazine, someone could make some dividends. While I could use the money, I don't think that I would want to out someone like that. I mean it's a really tempting offer and it would be difficult to have the person traced back to me. On second thought, i'm going to keep my mouth shut. I just don't see how someone who makes multi millions a year just from your contract, not to mention income from endorsements and appearances and be flat broke. I mean, they did not even stop playing that long ago. But I guess this can be expected. This person did serve time for cocaine possession. I guess that's where all the money went. But damn, MILLIONS of dollars gone. I guess appearances are everything b/c when I researched this person, they were pictured donning very expensive looking suits. All that glitters definitely is not gold.

3. So I don't know what to do. One of the boss' on the retail gig may have a lil crush on me. This is a male boss too. Now this person is normally off the hook, but he has been especially off the hook with me as of late. Last night it was no holds barred and just put it out there shamelessly. Now minding that he is usually off the hook, I don't know how to think b/c I am not out at my job, but maybe his gardar picked me up. He is ALWAYS nice to me. 1st instance, we were in the back deciding what to put out on the floor. There were some adidas appareal out there and he then looked at me while he was on his knees saying, ADIDAS, but said I-DID-ASS. I just laughted it off cause I was taken back and didn't know what to make of it. 2nd time, As we were putting said appareal away, I said something to him. I forgot what it was that i said, but he responded, "Did you say something about deep throat?" Again, i just laughted it off. I forgot what I said, but it was nothing along the lines of deep throat. 3rd time: I went to the managers office looking for another manager, but instead he was there. The door was shut so I knocked and he said, "Come in." The door was locked so i jiggled the handle letting him know it was locked. When he came to open the door he said, "Cum in. Get it? he he" He left for the night shortly after that and I don't know what to do or how to respond. This man looks like a male version of that over tanned character Madge on There's Something about Mary. He's the gay male version. He's also uber gay and white. Neither qualities really interests me in a partner. So hopefully I won't have to end up bitch slappin him. While I like the attention b/c sometimes I feel rough, I dont' really like it from him. Do you think that I am thinking too much into this? I don't recall him talking to any other of the males in the store like this.

On mroe thing. Not really a tidbit but a request. Chris Bilal, I'm not sure of ur sexual orientation or ur age. Actually i'm not really intersted in that. I know i'm puttin all my business out there but FCUK it! Would you like to go and have a cup of coffee sometimes or tea, as I'm sure ur not able to get into a bar yet. I want to pick ur brain. You seem to possess an interesting mind. I'm really trying to meet some other young socially conscious brotha's in the area, and he is in Baltimore. Promise I won't bite. :-)

Chosen ?

2005-07-25T14:53:00.000-04:00

Do you think there is any correlation between homosexuality and moslestation? I'll give y'all my take once a few of y'all have chimed in.

Black Beauty

2005-07-25T13:30:00.000-04:00

Damn ya'll! I'm Black as hell. This weekend I was at the beach having a fantabalous time. Life was really started to get the best of me and this crazy city I live in was doing me more harm that good. I really needed to get away and relax for bit. My skin is black as ever and i'm LOVING it.

I am one in about a group of 10 people who have been friends for the past 10 years. These were the first friends I met in HS. My HS is an all male predominetly white school. And when I say school, I mean school as my school encompasses a lower school, middle school, and upper school. I only went there for upper school. It is arguably one of the best schools in the state of Maryland. So these guys and I have been friends for the past 10 years and it just happens there are two blk people in our lil group. Wouldn't you know it, that the only two blk males in the group happen to be gay. Just my luck right? Any NO, we have not been together before...well yeah we have, kind of.

Anyways, we went to Ocean City, MD. While it's not the best beach, it gets the job done. The weather was GORGEOUS!!! The temperature was constantly in the mid-80's and the humidity was bareable. It felt so good. To top it off there was food in abundance!!!! Lawd!! We could have fed a group of starving Ethopians with all that stuff. Of course a brotha had to show off his culinary skills. I marinated some chicken before we went to the beach in my secret recipie of herbs, sauces, and spices, so good that it would make the colonel proud. I then made some seafood salad with all sorts of crustaceans. So good make you smack yo mama!!!! To top it off, I went to one of those roadside fruit stands and got the sweetest melons that I've ever had anyway. I'm fo real yall, my mama, who taught me how to cook, ask me how to cook some things. If yall ever come up to B-more, maybe I could put my foot into a lil something something for y'all. I would be obliged to actually. I love to entertain. I just gotta work on getting my own place to do the entertaining.

There must be something about the beach water b/c it cooled my loins. A brotha still hasn't gotten any yet, so this was some much needed relief. I guess what they say about cold showers work. I think I need to invest in a portable one. I think I need one at the moment :-(.

This weekend was a weekend of excess and now i'm in the process of detoxifing my body from all the smoking, drinking, eating that I did. Sometimes you just have to let go and indulge.

This weekend I lost my virginity, well crabbing virginity that is. Sitting on the dock of the bay with a bottle of Becks, my Valetino sunglasses and some cut off shorts talking about the good ole' days, dipping my stick in the mud while the sun is beating down on my head. That's crabbing! While I didn't catch anything, I still had a good time. Crabs are beautiful creatures. They have such brilliant colors ranging from bright oranges, deep hues of indigo, and purples all over. They looked so nice, I almost didn't want to eat them. They made a good snack with buffalo wings.

The beach does somethign to me. I don't feel quite has heavy as I did before I left. Maybe it's something about the monotony of the waves crashing. Maybe it's the sun baking your brain. While I am not sure what it is, I could use more of it.

Damn it feels good to be a gansta 8-)

Do I smell Democracy in the air?

2005-07-25T08:28:00.000-04:00

It has been a hot minute since my last post, but things have been so interesting in the intermittent.

The dreaded mishappening that is jury duty actually came to pass on thursday. For y'all who have never experienced the drudgery of jury duty, let me offer you a lil piece of advice. AVOID IT AT ALL COST. My emotions ran the whole gambit: denial, anger, depression, acceptance. I mean who wants to miss a whole day of work. I mean normally, this would be fine, but where I work, if I don't come to work, I don't get paid. Meaning, if I went to jury duty, a brotha would be assed out!! DAMN IT!!!! While I don't mind doing my civic duty, I don't like being put out by it. Where is the democracy in that? I thought democracy was about choices? Well I mean, I did have the choice of not going, at the expence of having to pay a hefty fine. It only gets worse though.

When I got to the courthouse after a stifling bus ride, I proceeded to to wait in an overcrowed but nicely conditioned room, to wait several to be told nothing. Just to wait until a case is called. Well a case of called and we proceeded to be herded into a court room to start proceedings. I was sitting right next to the door where they bring the prisioners in so I could basically hear everything that was going on behing the door. First I heard voices, then I heard shackles. Then I heard deep bass voices. I could recongnise what it was from anywhere, it was my brotha. We have come full circle my people. We have taken those shackles that were imposed on us in our voyage here and now we have imposed them on ourselves. While I am not saying that the current state of Black america is out fault totally, in the end it is up to us. Low expectations coupled with institutional racism may be a reasonable explanation. Nevertheless, it pained me to see 3 of our black men, just another statistic; just another number in the judicial/system that does not seek to rehabilitate, but make money off of prisioners. As long as there is money to be made from the exploitation of disadvanted peoples, not much change is going to occur by means of the government. We must take matters into our own hands. Only us can help us.

We then had a two our break so I called my boy CA and we went out to lunch at Dougherty's Pub. They have some of the best bang for your buck in the city of B-more. It is also conviently located next to Lambda Rising. I used to go there when I was younger to check out guys. I got a Turkey Burger and a Hefeweizen. Doesn't get much better than that on a hot summer day. When I got back from the courthouse the judge told us that our services would no longer be needed as one of the attorney's were not present. As soon as he said that, the attorney walked in, but he still told us to go. No wonder the judicial system takes forever. I returned to the room to do my do my favorite thing...sleep!

I woke abruptly from my boredom imposed slumber to the cackling of the Sista Girls. Those loud as all hell group of females, you know who they are, you could be one of them, who are the Black equilvilent of the The Golden Girls. I'm all for black unity and all but damn, you do not have to broadcast your whole conversation to the whole room. No one wants to know about ur make up regimine, or the lastest sales, or your side business. I mean DAMN, why can't people, espeically blk people ever keep their comments to themselves. I guess it's the group mentality. If these people are interested in what I have to say, surely everyone is, right? WRONG! I love the Sista Girls b/c when you at the family reunion or at any social gathering, the can be a riot. But there is a a time and a place for everything under the sun. Well that's what the good book says. I don't know why this annoyed me so much. Maybe it was because they woke me up when and if you know me, you know how much I love my sleep and despise anyone who disturbs it. It could have been that the Sista Girls, cackled throughout The Terminal, that cute lil Tom Hanks movie. Did y'all know it was based on true events?? Well there actaually was a guy who lived in a termimal, from which this story is loosely based. It's a very interesting story.

Well that was my friday. Sat in a room all long doing nothing and getting $15 from the city of Baltimore for this pleasure.

Chosen Tidbits

2005-07-20T14:08:00.000-04:00

Not really sure what I wanted to blog about today, but this is becoming addictive to some extent so I figured that I would just share what is currently running across my mind.

1. Where the hell is my book The Miseducation of the Negro by literary giant Carter G Woodson. I was about a third of the way through the book and this book is powerfully enligtening, especially for me. I have had a very eurocentric education. Although this education was challenging and enlightening, it was incomplete. My education never fully explored how the issues I was studying affected my people. Where did black folk fit into the mix during this or that? How were we affected? What did we contribute? For all they would have us believe, we dropped on the face of the earth during slavery and have contributed nothing to society. I have been exploring my afrocentricity and i'm falling in love with my history and my culture all over again. The education that we have recieved in school in a lie. The explanations they give for certain events in history, FALLACIES!!! I am going to the beach this weekend and there is nothing I like better than facing the tranquility of the ocean and reading a good book. While I will be with mostly white people, they need to get a clue too. We all need to get a clue. I can not be without this book this weekend. I think that I am going to buy another copy today and hopefully i'll find the book before friday, before i high light the hell out of that book. So much useful information. That book was written over 75 years ago and it surprises me how little has changed. WHITE is not always RIGHT. BLACK is not always WHACK! Once we come to terms with our history,the future of black folk as a nation, will be much brighter. Can someone hand me my Michael Kors sun glasses?

2. Why don't we ever finish what we start? I'm an Aries, and I'm not into all that if you this, then you exhibit these personality characteristrics. I tried looking up all that stuff, but it just confused me. I know that Aries is the first 'month' in the zodiac year and that the symbol is a ram. Now, I can be a very stubborn person. I refuse to be defeated and I have a hard time giving up and letting go. I know that I can not compare anyone to myself, but I don't understand how people can give up as easily as they do. I work for the state and I deal with people everyone who quit school in their last year. How does one see the yellow tape at the end of the finish line and just say fuck it?? This life is more than just a read through. We gotta make this thing count! My best friend, Minnesota Man (MM) wants to be a chef. He went to high school for culinary arts and after farting around for ages, he went to culinary school. He's done the classes and now all he has to do is the internship and he's done. He's commenced farting around again. I try to encourage but that's a grown azz man, I can only do but so much. my friend CA, he's in hair school right now and he thinks that b/c he is talented, that is going to be all he needs. Yeah, talent is essential for excellence, but I am learning that most times people will not take you seriously unless you have a piece of paper saying that you are qualified to do this. What's a lil bit of pain compared to a life time of pleasure. From my experience, I can see a direct correlation b/t income and educational level. Most people who have their masters make 15K per qtr. There are exception to this rule, but in this day and age we must be safe about everything. Why not finish what you started and get that quasi-guarantee?

Remember, tomorrow belongs to those who prepare for it today.....

3. Possibility of jury duty tomorrow. If I don't work, I don't get paid. I can not afford to have another day missing from my next check. The 4th of July about killed my azz. I need a better job; one that appreciated my skills and rewards me accordingly. Another reason to go to school. For the praying kind, people pray that I don't have jury duty. I don't mind doing my civic duty and all, but not at the expense of my bank account.

Be blessed

Interesting site

2005-07-19T15:02:00.000-04:00

Tell me what you think

Can y'all say BACKED UP!!!!

2005-07-19T10:42:00.000-04:00

Damn, it's been a minute since I got some loving and boy are my hands tired!! Lately I have been incredibily horny all the damn time. It's sickening. As soon as I self pleasure myself, my libido seems to get stronger. LAWD have mercy because I simply don't know what to do. The obvious thing would be to get some, but I just don't want to do anyone.

My love life is complicated at the moment. Well not really, but the thing is that I have become more choosy with whom I deal. There was a time in my life where if i were horny and I thought you were remotely attractive, I would try to get something popping. I guess this is a sign of maturity that I want more than a nut. I so enjoy the single life and after my last boyfriend, I am not looking to get into anything serious. He was a really selfish, but also a sweetheart. He came to see me at the retail gig the other day asking why I haven't called him. I really didn't have an answer for him. Promised to call Sunday and haven't called yet. I'll call today hopefully. Anyways, back to what I was saying. I have not had any since him and that really wasn't all that b/c we are both tops. I mean I was willing to be vers for him, b/c i'm willing to do whatever I can within reason to please and help my man. That's just how I am. It seems that I am one of the few. I just want a cool friend with benefits at the moment who not going around the tri-state area fuckin everybody. Is that too much to ask????

I do have a really close friend, Causisan Asian (CA) who keeps throwing it at me, but it would be like my messing with my bro. We are such close friends, so close that everyone thinks we're going to get together, but I just can't go there. I need a blk man in my life. There is something about a brotha that just gets my toes curling, my juices swirling. One of those chocolate brothas with a smile as bright as the sun and a temperate of the Pacific. This so isn't CA. I want a MAN. Doesn't have to be the epitomy of masculinity, just don't switch and talk with a high pitched soft voice. Wear some cologne. There are some characters here in Charm City, but hate it or love it, it's home. The brothas whose blogs I seem like the type of brotha's I would like to get to know. Where are they in B-more? Maybe I'll take a trip to NY, CN, or GA. I guess that's where all the sensible me are.

There are so many fine brothas in the gym too and I wonder, "Do they get down?" If they do, can I get down? I know that I am an attractive person and now that i've lost 15 lbs, all the superficial people should be over me, RIGHT??? I guess not. Maybe I need to go out to "gay" places more as the "typical" gay scene isn't me. Too much drama and too much prancing. I guess I keep chillin with Ramsey Palm and his five brothas. Damn, I need to get laid in the worse. Any suggestions??

Eureka!

2005-07-18T15:17:00.000-04:00

This weekend I had an epiphany. I am sooo blessed. This weekend started out like any other, work the retail gig, go to church, back to work, and try to find something entertaining to to do in the between time. This weekend one of my friends, DP, threw a luau, and though it rained cats and dogs, it was still a wonderful time. Good food, good people, and any drink that my heart desired. I don't know if it was the drink, but at the moment sitting around having a beautiful time with the people who have been there for me when I needed the most for the past 10 years, I realised this is what life is all about!! Surrounding yourself with people who ginuwinely care for you and support you unconditionally!

I feel incredibly blessed to be in the space in my life where I am. While I am not trying to brag, I am just sharing how greatful I am for all that I have. I am only 24 yo and I have parents who I absolutely adore and the feeling is reciprocated, family who got my back although they can be crazy at times. I have graduated college and lived and traveld all over the world. I'm a fortunate son.

The Stylistics had a hit with, People Make the World Go Round. While there is some validity to that, I think it's LOVE that makes the world go round. Love of money and luxury causes us to work everyday. Love of country causes many people to enlist in the armed forces, love of people causes us to do things we normally would not do. LOVE is the greastest force in the world, it binds us together, but also tears us apart.

Lately I have been feeling down b/c there are things in my life at the moment that are not optimum. I have to rememeber that i'm just beginning this journey, and life, no different from any other journey, has bumps, mountains, and valleys. But have you ever wanted so much for yourself and had so little? I have been focusing on what's wrong instead of whats right and it's been pretty discouraging. Thankfully experiences such as these reminds us what life is really all about. We are all blessed in some way or another, we just have to accentuate the positives, but that's better said than done.

Check Yoself Fool!

2005-07-15T16:29:00.000-04:00

First of all, let me thank everyone who has read my blog so far. May it be as inspiring and interesting as I think y'alls blogs are. Your hits and comments are truly appreciated! Thank you my people!!!

So last night while I was working the retail gig I brushed my nipple against something and it felt a lil tender. Normally, that would not present any abnormality b/c i'm always bruising myself as I can be a bit clumsy at times and in the gym as well as everywhere else i am always running into things and coming up bruised. Thanks to my beautiful black skin, these usually go undected. What struck my curiousity is that when i examined myself, there was a small lump. Well I'm not sure whether it's a lump or a bump, but it has me kind of worried.

Last night as I got off work, I got a call from a friend of mine, who has been trying to get with me for the past year, but I haven't really been having it. But that's another post altogether. So we went to the bar, and for someone who claimed to have so much money before we met, he's surprisingly broke whenever he comes to B-more. Well i'm a broke ass too, but i mananged to scrape together a couple of dollas for some drinks. Well I told him about my chest situation, and he told me that it was a ingrown hair and proceeded to attempt to pop it. It didn't really work but this morning when I woke up it was a lil bigger and very sore.

As much as I would like to go to the doctors and see what the dilly is, unfortunately, I am one of the many Americans lacking health insurance, which is a crying shame that the so-called leader of the free world does not have state sponsored health care for EVERYONE. I believe good health is a right, not a priviledge. Again, another post. Well I can not afford to go to the hopsital and flip a $300 medical bill only to be told that its an ingrown hair. My ass better start developing a right tittie to get me in the doctors office. All jokes aside, if this ish don't get better by the end of the weekend, I'm going to see someone.

Cancer runs in my family so I gotta keep all miscellaneous lumps in check. I'm not trying to go out like that.

FYI Fellas- Men can get breast cancer too. Do regular self examinations of the testes and breastes.
There are folk who don't want our people to survive. I heard a story that took place just two years ago. Last night while at the bar sipping on my Peach Cosmos, I met a very endearing white guy, who as he said he was described by his blk friends as "blker than they are". Well he told me that two years ago he was in Valpo, IN visiting some college buddies, he came across what seemed to be a freshly painted sign that read, "No Niggas After Dark". Folk it may be 2005, but don't be fooled into thinking that we have made it to the land of milk and honey. We have made strides, but we have longs way to go. I mean, there are people at my retail gig who won't touch my hand at the cash register, mainly white folk, only reason I can guess b/c I'm blk and they have some predjudicial issues they need to work on. It boggles my mind b/c who could resist a sexual chocolate such as myself? ;-)

Be blessed

My Season is Coming

2005-07-15T13:21:00.000-04:00

To those who don't know, I work two jobs and these two jobs I really have a disdain for. I have a government job, working for the man, as well as a job at a local retail store. The goverment job isn't so bad, I get to sit on my azz all day on the phone search the net when time allows, but my heart and soul so isn't in this job. None of these jobs is what i envision myself doing as a career, but at the same time they are paying the bills...BARELY!!! I see myself as a mover and a shaker. Making deals and jet setting. I have interests in so many things, namely the arts and helping out my people, I know that I want to do something that involves that. I went to school for communcations and sociology at one of the best schools in the country and I know that I want to do something involving that. I just don't know whether to be content with my BA or to get a masters degree. My grades were not that stellar, I just hope that if I decided to go back someone will have pity on me and accept me.

All of my life I have been driven, working toward some goal but lately, eversince I came back from England, I have been doing nothing but working what seems to be a dead end job. It has the ability to take me places, but by nature, I want things NOW!!! I want to see an inkling that I will be made permanent and FINALLY be made permanent so that I won't have to worry about my job. Although there is something to be said about job security, this is not the industry that I see myself in and I am praying that God has something in store for me more to my liking. My season is coming and as long as I go with the flow, things will be OK. Just gotta have patience right?

Anyone else feeling stagnant lately?

Once is begins....

2005-07-14T12:00:00.000-04:00

This is my first attempt at my first post on my first blog. Here's to the beginning of a hopefully beautiful relationship. I see so much wrong in the world, not to mention so much that is right. Why is that the media only seems to perpetuate what is wrong. Why not focus on what is right? I guess it's all about the almighty dollar at the end of the day. After all, whould you want to watch 30 minutes of folk getting along and black people do something positive with their life?

Oh yeah....could someone please tell me what the hell to do...i'm so confused about how to work this thing. Hopefully i'll get better.